Wow! It's been three weeks without a show ("Special X" doesn't count) and four weeks since they've been live. What *will* they do with all the money they've saved?
Well, for starters, it looks like they've FINALLY put together a new ad to put on iNDemand before the show, replacing the one they'd been running since July (late June, actually). THIS ad features Scott Hall, Jeff Jarret, the "sizzling TNA girls," and the "most talked about new division in wrestling, the extreme X Division." They STILL promise that Wednesday nights will never be the same....and maybe, in some fashion, they're right...
GOLDY LOCKS intros the show and hypes the upcoming tag team gauntlet for the gold. With a giggle, she brings in Scott Hall. Last time we saw him, Jeff Jarrett was kickin' his ass! "Well, thanks for bringin' that up, toots - Jarrett, you and I will certainly meet again, but Goldy, like everyone else, I'm buzzin' about the tag team gauntlet for the gold, because I'VE got a great partner, and he should be here any minute." She says he must be referring to Sean Waltman. "Wow, nothing gets by you, right? He should be here any time, and we're gonna win the gold. YO!" Big hug - hey, he looks like Billy Kidman! "I got the room and everything." "Cool! Hey, I'm sorry, I got a lot of catching up to do, I'd love to talk but ah... I'll say it in front of the people - it's nice meetin' ya, though." "Good to have ya back!" Wait, when was he ever there? Oh well
WE ARE LIVE from the Tent in Nashville, TN 18.9.2 and THIS is NWA Total Nonstop Action #13 (after this week, it's all gravy)! From ringside, your hosts are ASK MIKE TENAY and DON WEST DOT ORG. They're very happy to be here! Later tonight, you may have heard, we'll have a gauntlet for the gold to award the tag team championship, and Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac will be joined by nine other teams - Harris & Storm, Harris & Lee, Lawler & he didn't say, and many more! Also tonight, X Champion Jerry Lynn gets a shot at World Champion Ron Killings! Can Lynn become the first NWA triple crown winner? And, lest we forget, a special announcement from Dustin Diamond - West thinks he'll announce a celebrity boxing match with "Boom Boom" Washington...or maybe Epstein - or Mr. Kotter? Finally, the Masked Bullet MAY be revealed by Bob Armstrong - I have a hunch you already know who it is...let's move on now to
EARLIER TODAY, Goldy (outfit #2) tried to have a word with Brian Lawler, but he brushed her off. "Don't even talk to me! I'm out here waitin' on somebody - and there he is!" He makes a lunge for Jeff Jarrett, but he skillfully uses his luggage to parry the attempt. "Brian! Enough of this crap, dammit! Enough! I know what this is about, and I never touched that girl! Listen, Brian!" "What?" "She's a damn puppet master - and you're her puppet! And she's pullin' more than strings in the back. It's your damn princess...Brian, me and you have known each other since we were kids - I'm the only one you CAN trust! It's your little princess you cain't trust. Brian, get this through your head - where is she now, you came with her, didn't ya? You know, better yet, who is she DOIN' right now? Brian, I'm the least of your problems - I promise you, Brian." Jarrett walks on by and into the building, leaving Lawler to pause for reflection...
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, still in street clothes, makes his way out to the ring to have a few words with the people. "All right, Bullet Bob - as you can see, my day didn't get off to a real good start. And for that matter, the past three weeks have seemed like a damn eternity. So tonight, no more games, no more suspense, no more mystery. You either bring your masked henchman out to the ring right now, or I'm coming back *there*, and I'm gonna beat the Depends off your damn tired old ass. ... Fine, Bullet, I'm serious, I'm coming back." And so he does!
Backstage we go where the camera catches up with Jarrett WALKING! and making lots of noise in the process. Shove for BUllet, but from behind the man in the mask starts to lay a whuppin' on Jarrett...
...bringing him out to the ring. Hmm, did he have those tattoos on his arm before? Jarrett lands a few forearms as he comes in - into the ropes, duck, left, left, left, jiggy jiggy, right. Give him a mic! "OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW?" Yep, it's BRIAN JAMES. "NOW you know!" Good golly he looks....not so good. "It's been a long time - and I'm a little blown up to be quite honest with ya - but I'll tell you this: seven years ago, in this very city of Nashville, a man called the Roadie walked out of the World Wrestling Federation with what he thought was his friend, Double J Jeff Jarrett. Now in doing that, I almost committed career suicide. Jeff, I kept goin' - then I joined a little faction that revolutionised professional wrestling...called D-Generation X! I'm proud of the fact that I was a member, but not so proud of some of the things I've done - you see, more than just the hairdo's changed, I've had a change o' heart. But there's no change o' heart when it comes to you, Jeff Jarrett - I have never forgiven you, and then you're gonna jump on my daddy? And when you jump on the head of the James Gang, you jump on all of 'em, jack. Now I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm not done - I'm gonna go back there, and I'm gonna find me a partner, and I'm gonna do what I do best, and that's wear tag team gold around my waist. Step back, Jeremy, I'm not done!" JEREMY BORASH makes one of his typically (ahem) great "Hoo-ee! the camera's on me and I couldn't be happier about it! I'm PART OF THE STORY YOU GO BRIAN" expressions. "So you see, it's me, it's me, it's that D-O-Double-O no, that'll get me in trouble, see - at birth, my momma called me Brian Gerard James, so if B.G. James is good enough for my momma, it's good enough for me, and the G stands for Get it, Got it, Good!" I thought it stood for "Gerard!" Man, it might be just me but it sure seemed like he sure did a lot of looking at the ground during that speech.
Commentators are EXCITED! Because it's been eleven minutes with nary a wrestling match in sight! Who will B.G. James choose as his partner? WHO?
Backstage, Goldy (back to Outfit #1) has the Elvises - well, Siaki and Estrada anyway. What's up with what he did "last week" helping Estrada and Yang win? "You know what, Goldy Locks - Sonny Siaki...I mean, *I* - I did some soul searching - I took a long look at Sonny Siaki. And I realised that it wasn't all about me. It's all about the Flying Elvises - it's all about the team. We came here as a unit to make a name for ourselves by capturing the NWA tag team titles. And tonight, Goldy Locks, WE - the Flying Elvises - is gonna do just that. Shawn Michaels was a tag team partner before he became a legend - my time will come, but tonight, it's all about the Flying Elvises. And one other thing...tonight, Jerry Lynn has a chance to put the X Division on the map, to show the world that we have a place in sports entertainment, and for that, I applaud Jerry. Every athlete on the S Division roster must stand united and stand by Jerry Lynn by showin' our support. That's all I got to say." Estrada seems...puzzled.
TNA GRRLZ (allegedly) dance from their cages. Here's the crawl:
NWA East - 19 Sept - California Pennsylvania University
NWA SW - 20 Sept - N. Richland Hills, TX
NWA East - 20 Sept - Connelssvile, PA
NWA Wildside - 20 Sept - Cornelia, GA
NWA Florida - 20 Sept - St. Peterburg, FL
One fall - X Division action
KID KASH (Johnson City, Tennessee - 208 pounds) v. THE PHENOMENAL A.J. STYLES (Atlanta, Georgia - 212 pounds)
referee: RUDY CHARLES
Styles to establish the face and heel in this match with a little mic work: "WHOA WHOA WHOA! First of all...Sonny SIAKI. The only one thing that will be supporting Jerry Lynn tonight is his jockstrap! Oh oh oh - Jerry Lynn, if you think this party (stammers) between you and I is over...you're badly mistaken. Every second of every day you WILL be in my sights until I get back what is rightfully mine." Kash seems pleased that Styles managed to utterly fail to work HIS name into that promo. Let the record reflect that we managed to eat up a quarter hour of this wrestling pay-per-view with un-wrestling. AND AWAY WE GO! Feeling out process - lockup, arm wringer by Styles, Kash rolls and nips up, reversing it. Styles does the same and we're back to square two. To a hammerlock, reversal, reversal, chain wrestling, Kash paintbrushes him, Styles to a waistlock and forearms him in the back, takedown, Kash is out and HE'S got the hammerlock, Styles rolls and reverses again...okay, this is like the pointless side of mat wrestling. Back elbows by Kash, powers out but the head is down. Styles' backslide is blocked, Kash over the back, Styles ducks the kick and sweeps the other leg to take him down. Styles misses an elbowdrop, Kash misses a somersault legdrop, Styles armdrag, Kash ducks the swing, armdrag, both men up - INDY RESPECT whoops no, Styles dropkicks the knee and the camera misses it (expecting INDY RESPECT, no doubt). We're told Styles won the ZERO-ONE international Jr. title, but we're NOT told why he didn't show off THAT belt on his way to the ring tonight. Nice to see that Chad is prominently seated once again and that once again he's brought his "I HAVE A PENIS" sign - because that's so much more fun to watch than X Division action...I guess. Styles goes to work - forearm in the back, chop, into the ropes is reversed, but reversed back, Kash hooks the ropes - upends Styles onto the apron when he comes in, chop, chop, springboard dropkick puts him on the floor. Kash motions for flippy-flippy - springboard over the top into a 'rana on the floor! Kash with a chop. Styles whipped into the apron but he leaps and lands on his feet. Stops Kash with a back boot - and there's a moonsault from the apron to the floor! Kash rolled back in. Styles with a NICE springboard dropkick coming back in. Styles motions to the crowd and feeds their negative reaction. Hooks the leg - only 2. Forearm by Styles, forearm, into the opposite corner is reversed, but reversed back, boot up by Kash as Styles comes in - springs to the top and comes off with the Bankroll (twisting moonsault) for 2! Kash picks him up - version of the Boston Crab with the arms hooked. No submission, so Kash drops him and drops an elbow. 1, 2, Styles is out. Kash stays on him - right hand, right, off the ropes, Styles ducks and grabs a waistlock - to the ropes, Kash shrugs him off, Styles with a superfluous backflip, kick is blocked, gutshot by Kash, double underhook and going for the Moneymaker (Tenay doesn't say what it is - Pedigree maybe?) but Styles blocks - head to the nether regions, up on the back - Styles carries him to the ropes and throats him from the other side, causing Kash to tumble to the floor after taking the hot shot. Styles on the apron - leaps off with a swinging DDT on the floor! Both men are down for a bit as Charles lays in the count. Kash rolled in at four - Styles after and hooks the leg - 1, 2, no. Kash put into the corner, up and onto the shoulder - then pulls Styles' head into the second turnbuckle! Kash with a waistlock, standing switch, Kash two back elbows, standing switch again, German suplex and bridge - 1, 2, no! Styles put into the ropes, ducks the swing, quebrada doesn't find anybody but Styles lands behind Kash and drives him over and down with a move similar to the Eye of the Hurricane - 1, 2, no. Styles with a chop, forearm, chop, into the ropes, head down, kick by Kash, right, right, stairsteps the ropes into a 'rana! Off the ropes with a tornado DDT - 1, 2, Styles is up! Styles into the ropes, Kash goes for a leapfrog but Styles drops down and dropkicks his nuts. Kick, from his back Styles applies a head scissors takeover...and a discus lariat. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Styles with a chop, Kash chops back, right hand by Styles, right, right, right, off the ropes, dropkick to the back as Kash slumps over the second rope - leg is hooked...2 for Styles. Kash sent into the ropes, he hooks them, then puts Styles on the apron as he rushes in - but Styles lands the right hand. Styles with the springboard dropkick - no, this time it's *Kash* retady to meet HIM with a dropkick in the 'nards! Both men stay down but Kash is up at 4 - "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, clothesline, jumping clothesline, stairsteps up and misses a frog splash! Styles goes to the top...only to get CROTCHED. Kash chop, climbs up after him, flippy flippy sign...but the Frankensteiner is blocked into a second rope SUPER Styles Clash - 1, 2, 3! (9:56) **3/4
Backstage, Goldy ("Earlier Today" Outfit) has Marcus Bagwell. Why's he here? "To be honest with you darlin, you know, Buff Bagwell has been given opportunity after opportunity, not only that, I wanna show the fans that I'm here for a second chance - not Buff Bagwell, but Marcus Alexander Bagwell - the person that brought me to the dance, Marcus Alexander Bagwell - and I'm showin' them, not maybe for a second chance, I want a third, fourth, or maybe even a fifth chance. Whatever it takes to show the people that I am who I am, and what started me in this business as Marcus Alexander Bagwell, and that's what's gonna--" James interrupts. Hand of Friendship! "Excuse me - excuse me. Marcus, I know I don't know you and you don't know me, but I do know of you. I'm standin' back there and I couldn't help but overhear what you're sayin' - not only do I hear your words but I feel 'em because I've lived 'em. Opportunities I've thrown away, because of foolish mistakes I've made. Every man deserves not just a second chance, but chance after chance. I'm tellin' you what - if TNA won't do it, I'll do it tonight - I'll give you a chance...if you'll be my partner, we'll march through that gaunlet for the gold and we'll wear the tag team titles, so I'm askin' ya, will you be my partner." "You're askin' me to be your partner, you're gonna give me a second chance." "I sure will." "You got it." Awww, they hug!
And now to Jeremy Borash: "Ladies and gentlemen, at this time please join me in welcoming, from NBC's 'Saved by the Bell,' you know him as Screech, give it up for DUSTIN DIAMOND." I consult my watch and discover that "Saved by the Bell" hasn't aired on NBC since 1993...oh well. Tenay and West again make the more timely "FOX's Celebrity Boxing II" reference and again fail to remember the name of his opponent beyond "Horshack." (It's Ron Palillo, in case YOU couldn't remember.) Diamond dutifully puts over the product and talks about what a great time he's been having. Borash brings up Celebrity Boxing and Horshack. "Yeah, I kicked the crap outta Horshack!" That was a lot of fun, but for an accomplished martial artist like himself against an old midget like that...well, c'mon. Imagine the next question in the Jeremy Borash voice for full effect. "Well, I'll tell ya what...Dustin, ya got some boxing experience, when we gonna see ya maybe in the - in the wrestling ring here at TNA, huh?" "Oh yeah - yeah, that's what everyone loves, you know what - I've seen these guys in the back, they're incredibly talented, you know what - there is no way with no training, maybe if I had some training, a little bit in the future, I might come down...I mean, if I was wrestling someone like you, 'cause you know, that'd be easy 'cause you're a pipsqueak." Borash freezes into another "starring Robin Williams as Popeye" face...and declines, offering Don West ("the scrapper") instead! West says he's paid to announce...but he DOES have a guy in mind - the big fat timekeeper. "You wanna be a bell ringer all your life? No? Go out there and ring his bell!" Now imagine Borash's voice going up half an octave. "Tiny, our bellkeeper? What? Are you up to box Tiny, our bellkeeper, here tonight?" "You gotta be kiddin' me, I'll KILL Tiny!" "Tiny? You want it?" "You know what - Tiny, you wanna do this, let's do it, you and me tonight." "Right now? All right! It's gonna be Screech vs. Tiny the bellkeeper! Go get the boxing gloves! Right now, let's do it! Go get the boxing gloves! Mike Tenay, we got ourselves a boxing fight! Back to you!" THIS IS A SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT
Backstage, Goldy (Earlier Today outfit) has the Hot Shots - they are in a qualifier for the Gauntlet for the Gold - Chase corrects her, saying they've graciously put their spot on the line for some young team out there. Goldy accuses them of not being old enough to drive, must less given an opportunity. In the triple match to come against them, Wylde & Rave and Steele & Punk, they were included because they're #10 team. "That's the kinda gratitude we're gonna get! That's why nobody does anything NICE these days! C'mon Cassidy, let's go do some other good deeds before our match." As they leave, Disco Inferno walks up and asks if she's seen Brian Lawler - "you know, the guy running around here with the puppet strings hanging out of his limbs?" Goldy says it isn't her night to keep watch on him. "Oh, so you're gonna be a smartass - again? Well let me reiterate once again that that is NO way to get me in bed with you."
SCREECH v. TINY THE BELLKEEPER - geez, more like the BellBEEFER. Imagine Rick Scaia gained about two hundred pounds and you've got a pretty good idea of what Tiny looks like. (Or, if you prefer, carve two hundred pounds off of Tiny...and you have a pretty good idea what Rick Scaia looks like!) SCOTT ARMSTRONG surely had better things to do than officiate THIS bout, you'd think, but there he is just the same. Borash is attempting to do something hilarious...get this, and failing. Three one minute rounds, we're told - doubt it'll go one. After touching gloves, Diamond shoves him away. Armstrong calls for the bell but everyone appears to have forgotten there's no timekeeper - West obliges. Diamond ducks the wild swing, right to the body, left, right hand puts him down. Armstrong puts in the count...and the music starts playing at 4 so I guess it's over. Diamond walks over Tiny on his way out of the ring - Armstrong BARELY manages to declare the bout over via knockout (0:42) before Diamond's left the ring...up the ramp and with any luck, out of the state
NWA ECCW - 20 Sept. - Port Coquitlam, BC
NWA Main Event - 20 Sept. - Columbia, TN
NWA Hawaii - 20 Sept. - Waikiki Shell, HI
NWA East - 21 Sept. - Indiana, PA
NWA Mississippi - 21 Sept. - Magee, MS
DEREK WYLDE & JIMMY RAVE v. CM PUNK & ACE STEEL (424 pounds) v. HOT SHOTS (Chase Stevens & Cassidy O'Reilly - Nashville, Tennessee - 412 pounds) with the losing team out of the gauntlet for the gold
WOW Borash botches the opening introction, calling both guys "Jimmy" and then adding a third name at the end and...well, I couldn't figure it out or I'd have written it down right here for your entertainment and amusement. I spell it "Steele" but I'm not the TNA chyron guy - then again, maybe I'm confusing this guy with Danny Dominion's partner (wink wink) so we'll go with their spelling tonight. Tenay rails on how the Hot Shots "gave up their spot" except I can't figure it out because it sure seems like somehow TWO spots end up on the line here...so you would THINK that one of these other two teams ALSO had to put their certainty of being in the gauntlet in doubt. Right? Of course, NONE of this explains how B.G. James can just waltz in WITHOUT a partner and *automatically* get a berth in the gauntlet (except his father being the NWA representative, right?) oh...well, yeah, there is THAT, but still I wish people who weren't me would bring this up. Possibly people who weren't me who also claim to be behind the writing of this, f'rinstance - that'd be swell. Well, anyway, the Hot Shots haven't talked about their protruding pricks tonight...but they still are. I know you were wondering. It's Chase Stevens starting with CM Punk - Tenay doesn't want to risk misidentifying the Hot Shot so he doesn't. Go behind to a hammerlock to a side headlock to a hammerlock to a takeover to a knucklelock to a okay... forget it. Wank wank wank, let's get to some damn action HUH. Punk blows this, Stevens blows that, Stevens elbows out of the waistlock, no he doesn't, well he backs him into the corner, but Punk does a flip and then a jawbreaker, crossbody sprung off the ropes for nothing. Stevens right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes but there's a blind tag by Steel and Punk manages to counter the head scissors takeover attempt by dropping him into a gutbuster on Steel's knee. Half hour suplex by Steel. 1, 2, no. West points out that if you're not in the ring, you might as well just cool out because there's no way you can be eliminated. When DON FUCKING WEST is pointing out YAWNING PLOT CHASMS in your gimmick match's gimmick, isn't that a WEENTSY sign that perhaps *somebody* didn't think this thing all the way through? Steel with a forearm, into the ropes as Tenay tells us they call themselves Hate Breed...the significance of which, sadly, escapes me. 1, 2, Stevens kicks out. Forearm by Steel, leapfrog, chop ducked, Stevens clothesline ducked, Steel chop, chop, chop, forearm, whip is reversed, rolls under - apparently there was a blind tag in there and Derek Wylde flips in - but lands into a big powerbomb from Stevens. Why did Wylde tag in when his team was safe? Only Don West cares to ask. Tag to O'Reilly...but leaps into an UGLY 'rana. Tag to Rave. Into the ropes, but Stevens grabs him from behind off the ropes. Rave with a chop, but turns back to eat a falcon arrow from O'Reilly. Tenay STILL hasn't ventured a guess on calling one of the Hot Shots - but God bless Don West because *he* HAS! Split-legged moonsault by O'Reilly - stopping to jaw with the crowd, giving Rave time to recover for a schoolboy - 1, 2, no. Chop, chop, into the ropes, O'Reilly ducks, handspring elbow, and again poses to the crowd. Chop by O'Reilly, tag to Stevens, chop, into the ropes, double gutshot, double kick to the back of the leg, double dropkick sandwich on the head ("Sure Shot"), faceplant by Stevens, O'Reilly off the ropes and backdropped onto Rave, Stevens covers, 1, 2, Steel breaks it up. WHAT? ACE STEEL BREAKS UP A COVER ON A GUY WHOSE TEAM HE IS NOT ON? WHAT THE *FLYING FUCK* DOES ACE STEEL CARE IF RAVE & WYLDE GET ELIMINATED? IS THIS NOT BETTER THAN HIMSELF - STEEL - AND HIS PARTNER PUNK GETTING ELIMINATED? WHY ISN'T *WYLDE* CONCERNED ENOUGH TO BREAK IT UP? ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH FUCK THIS SHIT I'm not bothering until I call the end of the match - this commentary is inane, this doesn't make sense, SHIT Steel just saved Rave again - this is SO fucking STUPID. Let's all do our indy spots and indy indy indy it up - coming up an indy battle royal gimmick indy indy fuck cluster spot spot fuck indy. Fuck it. Even Derek Wylde twitching OLD SKOOL STYLE won't save this match. Why yes, they DO all tumble outside one by one for the lucha train wreck CRAP. I've had it. No lies. Steel gives Stevens a Gorry special into a neckbreaker, apparently called the "dumb ass indy spot name" and gets the pin to - get this - BRING IRONY. (7:13 you'll never get back) **1/4 minus A MILLION SNOWFLAKES for STUPIDITY
NWA Wildside - 21 Sept. - Cornelia, GA
NWA Virginia - 21 Sept. - Richmond, VA
NWA ECCW - 21 Sept. - Langley, BC
NWA Hawaii - 22 Sept. - Waikiki Shell, HI
NWA Virginia - 22 Sept. - Newport News, VA
Backstage, Goldy (Outfit #3!) has Chris Harris & James Storm. "Yes, ma'am, but obviously, we don't have to worry about those Hot Shots, 'cause you've just seen exactly what happened to those cocky critters!" "Goldy, we *finally* get our shot at the NWA WORLD tag team championship. Do you have any idea the history behind these belts? Storm, do YOU have any idea of the history behind those belts?" "Well, yeah! Does Howdy Doody have wooden balls?" "You know what...I'm not even gonna get mad tonight. I'm not gettin' mad tonight because tonight is our night. We are not gonna let this opportunity pass us by. And I'll tell you what, you've been tellin' me for a long time you're a legit cowboy. You've been sayin' that you're the real deal. Well I'll tell you what - that's fine with me. Whatever it takes to for us bring home the gold. Cool?" "By God, let's go git 'im!" "Let's go round 'em up, buckaroo." "Whoa whoa whoa, Chris...it's like I said before, YOU can not say 'buckar--' okay, YOU can say buckaroo,' 'cause you're my partner. Didja hear that? That's what I'm talkin' about, he just said 'buckaroo!' Wooooo!"
Borash welcomes to the ring CLEAN & SOBER and SYXX-PAC - of course, the chyron says SYXX but that *can't* be right, else somebody in TNA would get SUED. Don't tell me...more interview time? Might as well, we're not showing any signs of cracking the workrate barrier any time soon. It takes Hall a good five false starts to say "Hey yo. You know, Syxx-Pac...when I was walkin' down this aisle tonight stepping in this ring, I thought about the *first* time I ever saw you in a wrestling ring. I think it was 1993...New York City, the Manhattan Centre, and uh...let's see, you beat some jabrone, what was his name, uh...Razor Ramon? You know what, I'm lookin' at you now, man, it's been a long time and we've been through a lot of ups and downs in and out of the ring, and I just wanna say that, uh, there's only a couple guys in the whole world that make me love pro wrestling, and you're one of 'em...and I don't want the boss to know it, but uh...when you're in the ring with me, I'll work for free." Hmm, I wonder what he'll say here. "You know, a lot of people like me - even more probably don't like me - and that's fine. And you know all the bad shit you've heard about us, it's all true." Hall holds up a hand to hide his point at 'Pac as if to say "hey, it's only true about him" - HEH. "But another thing that's true is, like he said, we love professional wrestling, and that's why we're here in NWA TNA. I'm not sports entertainin' any more, I broke in 15 years ago as a professional wrestler...and that's what I'm back to now. So Scott...before we get fired from this place (which we probably will) hell, let's go down in a blaze of glory AND KICK SOME ASS!" No sooner are the words done than RON HARRIS & BRIAN LEE punk 'em out from behind - I mean, put up some moves before the inevitable reversal of fortune leading to an X Factor (Syxx-Pactor?) on Harris...and an Edge on Lee. HEY! Why is Hall wearing a "Lone Wolf" vest if he's partnered up with Syxx-Pac?
Backstage, Goldy (outfit #3) has Lawler, who is pacing about. "My girlfriend? Huh? Have you seen her? You seen my girlfriend April? What about her? Where's she at?" Goldy says they couldn't afford to pay her to appear on camera tonight, so....no, actually she says she doesn't even know who April is, shouldn't he be more focused on the match? "What match? ... That's tonight?" "Yeah, earth to Brian, hello..." "HEY LISTEN! I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME FOR YOUR COMEDY! NO COMEDY TONIGHT! YOU UNDERSTAND? THIS IS A SITUATION - THIS, TONIGHT, IS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?" Then he breathes on her a bit before taking off.
Borash asks us to welcome back HERMIE SADLER. Oh for fuck's sake. He joins Tenay at ringside and they talk about how Sadler holds a victory over the current reigning and defending NWA World Heavyweight Champion. Just kidding...you didn't think they'd actually talk about WRESTLING, do you? Sadler's here to announce that on 12 October, NWA TNA will sponsor his care in the Hicknut 300 car race and by God, those NASCAR fans will learn that NWA TNA is where it's at! Tenay asks him to stick around to interfere in the...I mean, WATCH the next match...
BRUCE hits the ring and I reckon this'll probably polish off the worst - THE WORST hour of TNA I have had the misfortune of experiencing. Fortunately for me, Hermie Sadler talks over Bruce so I don't have to bother writing down what he says. Mrs. Tenay is not in attendance so Bruce won't be beating the crap out of her tonight. Once again, the open challenge is issued - maybe he'll change his policy and whoop on the NASCAR driver. After a good three minutes, Bruce finally selects a chick from the audience...
BRUCE v. A CHICK FROM THE AUDIENCE for Miss TNA - Hermie Sadler says this is the part of the show where he usually takes a coffee break - way to sell the product, Hermie! At least tonight, the plant gets in no offense so as to destroy the illusion that she's not some plant. (Powerbomb - pin 1:09) Bruce shows his ass to Hermie. "Are you proud of yo self?" Bruce back over to the chick, ramming her head into the mat - this brings Sadler in to make the gallant save - atomic drops are FUNNY! Bruce rolls outside after a Sadlerkick. Play his music! (I guess)
Backstage, Goldy has Jerry Lynn - tonight he's got a shot at Ron Killings and the world title. "That's right, Goldy, and you know what? That's what it's all about, and that's what I'm here for: opportunity. I mean, as you know, I didn't get a lot of opportunity in some of the other companies I've worked for in the past. And yeah, sure, a couple weeks ago I achieved one of my goals by capturing the X Division title. But ya know, that's just one of my goals. Don't get me wrong, being the X Division champ is an honour, but...being a world champ is every competitor's dream. And right now, Ron's the best...and, but hopefully after tonight--" Killings interrupts and they go face to face. "Jerry, what's that shiznit you talkin'? Is that what you call honky talk? 'Right now, he's the best?' You damn right I'm the best. This world title is all about bein' a man to me. Do you have any idea what this mean to me? It won't be no flip flop flyin' around up in the Asylum tonight. My whole life, people are tellin' me I'll never do this, I'll never be that - well you know what, Jerry? I am all of that, and a bag of damn chips too - whatever flavour you want! You got that? If I was you, I'd be prepared to commit a homicide, 'cause that's the ONLY damn way you gon' take this belt from me."
TEN TEAM NWA TAG TEAM GAUNTLET FOR THE GOLD
BRIAN LAWLER (Memphis, Tennessee - 235 pounds) (#1) v. COWBOY JAMES STORM (#2) - leave it to the "random" draw to get the partner of the guy who earned #20 to come in second. Every minute another guy comes in, when there's two men left, the partners will get new life and it becomes an NWA tag team championship match under normal tag rules. Lawler parts the ropes for Storm long enough to get him straddlin', then yanks until it hurts. Here we go! Clock in the corner looks to be just about right regarding the minute. Storm right, right, right, right, right, whip is reversed, hip toss blocked, Storm's blocked, leg over the neck, flippy flippy, off the ropes, Lawler with a laboured back body drop. Storm into the ropes, gutshot, Storm manages to reverse to a gutshot and DDT. Lawler dumps Storm on the apron but he climbs up - missile dropkick connects! Lawler into the corner, splash by Storm MISSES and down he goes.
JOEL MAXIMO is #3 - death suplex on Lawler, 'rana, dropkick, right, right, trying to put him over and out - Storm over to help...Lawler fighting it - Storm kicked away and Lawler's back to his base. They try again...now they apparently have to sit there ten seconds and wait for the next man to be announced...
#4 is DEREK WYLDE - springboard dropkick on Joel - head scissors, poses to the crowd...and Lawler tosses him. (2:38) Superkick on Joel and HE'S out (2:43). Storm into the corner, boot up, tornado DDT attempt punched away and Storm falls from the top turnbuckle to the floor! (2:58) Alone in the ring, Lawler breaks into some musicless II Cool dance moves, including and up to "diggin' a hole." The clock appears broken.
Finally, MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL comes out. Ever mindful of all currently storylines, idiot Borash cheerfully identifies him as "Buff Bagwell." Oh well. Double bird for Lawler - ducks the swing, clothesline, clothesline, gutshot, double bicep, neckbreaker, chatting with the camera - man, don't get him near any pins. Head to the buckle. Kidney punch, right, right, right, climbs up top and hits the Ten Punch Count Along. Timmmmberrrrrrrrr! Don West offers that it might be a good thing to be eliminated early, because it means you'll be fresh if your partner makes it to the end. DON WEST: PLOT HOLE DRILLER.
#6 is KOBAIN. Clothesline for Bagwell, head to the buckle, right, into the opposite corner, boot up by Bagwell, clothesline out by Bagwell, right, into the ropes, big back body drop. Over to Lawler for a right - and back to Kobain for a stomp, right, right for Lawler...oops Lawler with an uppernut when Bagwell turns back to Kobain. Lawler tries to direct traffic, and Kobain DOES stomp - but then goes to Lawler - right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, drop and uppercut by Lawler. Stomp for Bagwell...
#7 is ACE STEEL, who goes right for Kobain - but ends up eating a back elbow on the charge. Steel and Kobain back and forth, Bagwell and Lawler doing pretty much nothing. Steel with a dropkick in the corner on Kobain. Lawler grabbing a nosh on Bagwell. Kobain and Steel trading chops, if only to get a "wooooo!" reaction from the crowd.
#8 is JORGE ESTRADA, but ends up eating punishment from Steel before even finishing his slide into the ring. Whip is reversed, up and over, Estrada with a hiplock takeover. Lawler is free to rest as everybody else pairs up. Lawler practically trips over Kobain laying out on the mat. Bagwell take an uppernut which keeps us from having to try to handle two simultanous Ten Punch Count Alongs...
BRIAN LEE is #9. Tenay asks us to consider the "Andre the Giant" factor. Okay, but why would we consider it when Brian Lee comes out? Six men, three pairs dancing. We really need to weed...
#10 is SYXX-PAC - shot on Estrada, kick trifecta on Kobain, Blowout on Estrada, chops Kobain out of the ring (10:19) - Lawler into the corner and there's a broncobuster!
C.M. PUNK hits the ring JUST as Syxx-Pac tosses Steel (10:59), so so much for having both members of a team in the ring at the same time. Syxx-Pac with a scoop and slam on Punk - if you SCOOP him, you should TOSS him over the top rope to the floor! 'Pac runs into a powerslam from Lawler. Estrada goes for Punk since Lee is busy with Bagwell...
#12 is JIMMY RAVE - he and Steel take turns being indytastic before Estrada joins Rave in a double pummel on Punk (who Tenay calls "Steel" - oops - but he DOES 'fess up to it after West gently corrects him)
#13 is BIG RON HARRIS - you'd think he and Lee stay close, and sure enough the eventually do! Estrada put onto the apron but saves himself, managing to flip back over the top and in...oops, spoke too soon. Lee & Harris toss him (13:52). See ya, Punk (14:04). Lee finally scoops up Rave and tosses him (14:06), I guess he was waiting for Harris to come out so he could impress him? Bagwell runs at Lee - and gets dumped. Dummy. (14:16)
#14 is B.G. JAMES, but before he hits the ring, 'Pac upends Lawler out of the ring. (14:23) Ducks Harris, eyepoke, ducks Lee who clotheslines his own partner - left, left, left, juke, jive, right, wiggly wobbly woobly kneedrop on Lee, Harris shoves him down to stop his momentum. Kick in the ribs. 'Pac stomping away on Lee for all the good it'll do him, meanwhile, James blocks Harris' punch, right, right, right, right. You ain't tossing him on your own, come on.
#15 is JOSE MAXIMO. He climbs to the top - is caught by Harris - and tossed to the floor. Bushwhacker Luke award winner? (15:44) 'Pac into the ropes - H bomb. Why H bomb him when you can toss him? Into the ropes, Syxx-Pac ducks, double clothesline on Harris and Lee! Spin heel kick on Lee, Harris reverses the whip and Lawler punks out 'Pac from behind - Lee and/or Harris shoves him over and out and the camera missed it (16:36)
#16 is SLASH, who goes RIGHT for James, while Lee and Harris are content to watch. Stomp, elbowdrop, Lee drops the axehandle, Harris picks him up for the right hand, Slash drops the leg, Lee drops the knee and leaves it on his windpipe for a spell. Harris pulls him up while Slash sneaks in a stomp - hard whip into the corner.
#17 is SONNY SIAKI. Gutshot for Slash, off the ropes with a somersault neckbreaker, front flip legdrop, stomp, stomp, stomp - James trying to fight back against Harris & Lee - flip flop double punch - Lee in the corner - nope, Harris from behind with a knee. James gets the snapmare over - Harris stands on his neck. Lee over to work on Siaki - Harris joins him.
#18 is DISCO INFERNO - he's wearing a freakin' GIRDLE to the ring, I shit you not. All the way along the apron, back, along, and finally into the ring. Goes for Siaki - right, right right right right right right - Slash helps out with Siaki. Disco with a pose - but Harris spots him - gutshot, kick, into the corner, free shot for James to help Lee right, right, stands on the neck...
#19 is SCOTT HALL - right for Lee, right, right, right. Winds up for a right. Right for Harris, right. Tries to get Lee over the top and out but that's not gonna work. Seven men in the ring right now. Siaki working on Disco, but Slash saves him. Harris trying to get Hall off his feet, but Hall rakes the face - then upends Harris out! (21:16)
#20 is WILDCAT CHRIS HARRIS. Hall gets Slash out somehow (21:32) after ducking a clothesline. His lip's bleeding as well! Siaki runs at Disco, who sidesteps and Siaki takes himself out (21:50). Disco with the moves...but finds himself between James and Hall and plays pinball for them. James with a left, left, and kick in the nuts. Hall puts him over but he stays onto the apron to take a delayed discus right to the floor. (22:36). James and Hall exchange knowing looks - and rather than go at Harris and Lee, they trade righth ands instead. Lockup...and Lee barrels over BOTH of them taking them both out to the floor. We're down to two men. (23:01)
WILDCAT CHRIS HARRIS & COWBOY JAMES STORM v. PRIME TIME BRIAN LEE & BIG RON HARRIS for the NWA tag team championship
Harris puts Lee into the ropes, reversed, big boot by Lee. On the entryway, Harris has headed off Storm with a bit boot - and a chokeslam on the stage! And now JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET runs out to get some of B.G. James...they end up going behind the curtain, so let's look back in the ring, you know, at the MATCH. Storm is out on the ramp - Lee and Harris having their way with Harris. Hmm, no relation on the Harrisses you know. Storm starts the dramatic crawl to the ring... Lee stomping away on Harris (Chris) - now leaving Harris (Ron) to snap suplex him. To the ropes and shoving Storm off the apron to the floor (ha), then giving Chris a knee. Lee in - Harris left, left, left left left left, into the opposite corner, Lee is out and Harris goes splat, Lee adds a clothesline and covers for 2. Ron in - another knee for Storm before he can get to his corner. Lee rams Chris into Ron's boot. Tag to Ron - into the ropes, looks like a double chokeslam. Storm in - Ron drops the elbow on him - Lee adds a stomp in the back. All four men in the ring now - into the ropes with Storm...going for the H bomb but Storm manages a backflip and lands on his feet, ducks Harris and clotheslines Lee! Clothesline for Harris, clothesline for Lee, clothesline for Harris, whip of Lee is reversed...and he's caught in...some doubleteam slam, I don't know. Harris & Lee didn't even do the same move, so I don't know which one they meant for. Ron under the ring and finds a table to set up. Storm placed on the table - Harris sends Lee after Harris (er). Powerbomb attempt but Harris rolls over and down the back with a rollup - they're in the ropes but Charles doesn't care 'cause this is the finish - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. Don't forget undefeated! (4:55 - total: 27:56) **
Commentators sure are proud of Jarris & Storm - wow, watch that guy rough up the fans behind them!
Backstage, B.G. James either "has been busted wide open" (their story) or "has a towel with red dye applied to his temple" (mine). He's surrounded by Scott & Bob Armstrong - Tenay makes the paternal connection, but not the ...BROternal one.
NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: Graphics spell it out: The Truth is 6'0", 225 pounds and five years pro - Jerry Lynn is 5'9", 210 pounds and 14 years pro. There's a contrast in offensive styles. Can Lynn use his experience edge to become the first NWA Triple Crown champion? Who will dictate the pace in this match? We'll find out....NEXT!
THIS IS JERRY LYNN (challenger - X Champion - Minneapolis, Minnesota) v. RON "THE TRUTH" KILLINGS (champion - Charlotte, North Carolina)
Killings demands Armstrong check the kneepads and soles on Lynn...then, while he does, Killings pops Lynn with a straight right hand. We're underway! Right hand. Kick, right, into the ropes, Killings spins into the back elbow. Right. Right is ducked - Lynn right, right, right, kick, kick, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Lynn up and over, gutshot, right, into the ropes, reversed, Lynn with a tilt-a-whirl out of the head scissors! Right, right, kick, forearm, pulled into the centre and Lynn delivers the backbreaker - 1, 2, too early. Right hand. Right. Into the corner, Truth up and over but Lynn didn't move in - Lynn waits for Truth to run at him and gives him a drop toehold into the turnbuckle. Stomp, stomp, gets a running headstart, springs off the corner into a dropped headbutt to his nether regions. Waistlock - to the ropes but Truth shrugs him off - Killings steps aside on the charge and helps Lynn go outside over the top. Killings through the ropes with a dropkick. Lynn ducks the swing...but runs at Killings and ends up getting a faceplant onto the commentary table and his own X Division belt! That's probably the cue for the bladejob...and sure enough, Lynn comes up gushin'. (Only THREE minutes in? Are we running out of show that quickly? Oh....yes, we are.) Right hand by Killings, rolls in to break the count and right back out. Right right right right right, right, every punch meant to open up the cut. Lynn rolled back inside - Truth covers - Armstrong counts even though Truth's legs are underneath the ropes - 1, 2, no. Crowd chants "TNA" for some bizarre reason. Whip into the corner reversed, Killings up and over but Lynn didn't go in (he should probably stop doing that) - sidewalk slam for Lynn - hand on the chest - 1, 2, Lynn easily rolls his shoulder. Killings shows off Lynn's crimson mask for the camera (eww, too close!) Chop. Into the corner, Lynn up and down with a crisscross rollup - 1, 2, Truth is out! Lynn down the back but Killings backs him into the corner. Killings up for a Ten Punch Count Along, but Lynn shoves him off at five - Truth with a superfluous backflip, then comes right back with a side kick. Lynn tossed through the ropes. Killings has a few words with Armstrong, then decides to head out after him anyway. Right hand. Head to the barricade. Right. Whip into another barricade is reversed and it's Truth heading in hard! Lynn makes a run...but Truth gets the boot up. Killings puts Lynn's head down on the STEEL steps. Killings tries to open up the cut - yeah, don't zoom in on THAT, sheesh. Forearm across the chest. Lynn put back in, Killings back in - stomp. Stomp. Killings rolls him into a toboggan - okay, sitting surfboard. Lynn manages to touch the bottom rope with his forehead, breaking the hold and also leaving some pretty blood everywhere. Truth with the whip, Lynn ducks, grabs a waistlock, standing switch, Lynn elbow, elbow, elbow, off the ropes, big boot almost misses so Killings kicks him again for effect - cover, 1, 2, NO! Killings with an axe kick (and a flourish!) - hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO! Lynn put into the ropes, Lynn tries a desperation crucifix, keeps spinning, manages a sunset flip instead - 1, 2, Killings is out! Killings right back on him with a clothesline. Now Killings stands on the neck until Armstrong says cut that out. Second rope choke. Into the ropes, Lynn ducks, Lynn with a crossbody - 1, 2, Killings kicks out! A.J. STYLES is out at ringside (oh boy). Killings with another clothesline. Cover...2. And now KID KASH is out - and now JOSE & JOEL. Killings with a headlock - Lynn elbowing to the gut to break it - but Killings rakes the face. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up by Lynn, ESTRADA & SIAKI are out - Lynn with a death suplex and both men are out. Commentators say the X Division are true to their word, coming out to cheer Lynn on...but it's everybody but Styles on one side of the ring and Styles alone on the other. Lynn with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes, back body drop, clothesline, clothesline, clothesline/leg sweep combo - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO!! Even Styles is cheering on Lynn as well? Lynn motions for the cradle piledriver...but Killings reverses to a back body drop! Brainbuster attempt - but Lynn reverses THAT to a DDT! Lynn covers - 1, 2, Killings with a foot on the ropes but Styles pushes through the crowd at ringside and shoves Killings' foot off...but Armstrong saw it and stops the count anyway. The assembled competitors surround Styles to question his motivation (I guess) - meanwhile, Lynn climbs up top...and behind Armstrong's back, Siaki crotches Lynn (ohhhhhh). As Siaki gets chased backstage, Killings applies the Consequence and I guess that's it. 1, 2, 3. (12:28) **1/2 Killings checks his reflection in the belt - yep, he still looks good.
Over to Don West for the hard sell - Jeff Jarrett takes on B.G. James, Syxx-Pac gets his revenge on Brian Lawler, and also Jeff Jarrett takes on B.G. James! (West's PA mic wasn't working first time, see) AND Low-Ki returns!
B.G. JAMES is back out - Killings seems pleased to see him and offers the Hand of Friendship - James brushes by him so he can talk about Jarrett...but Killings doesn't like that, CLOCKING him - and now JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out for a doubleteam. *This* brings out CLEAN & SOBER and SYXX-PAC - broncobuster on Jarrett, eyepoke and fallaway slam on Killings, Jarrett fed to James for a gutshot, pumphandle HE'S DOING HIM DOGGY STYLE and slams him. James, Hall and 'Pac pose for the crowd as the credits are up - oh, look, it's become the very thing we'd been promised it would be an alternative to. What? So very, very, very disappointing.