QUOTE OF THE WEEK: 2 hours of WWF in 4 pages or less - the synopsis of my first "WWF Prime Time Wrestling" recap, posted ten years ago this week - wow, I used to be SUCCINCT, didn't I?
HELP ME: I'm still looking for help from a Brazilian reader, if I even have any. Please send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org if you live in Brazil and I PROMISE I'll make it worth your while if you can do me a favour. (No, it's nothing illegal.) Pretty please?
QUICK QUOTE: WWE 8.81 (- .89, last year: 11.45, two years ago: 19 7/16) In case you've forgotten, the all-time low for WWE stock is 8.49. How low was the strike price on YOUR options? How interesting! The annual meeting will be at The World Friday morning (1000) but if you can't make it to New York, there'll be a webcast over at corporate.wwe.com. So sayeth the press release.
TONIGHT: We'll try again to have that triple threat women's title match...except this week the champ is different! Hopefully having it kick off the show means it'll actually HAPPEN - also, Kane teams with the mysterious "???" to take on the Un-Americans for the tag team titles! All this and more in twelve short minutes!
CSI is on TONIGHT after RAW!
TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Bischoff (one of these things is not like the others)
WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (champion - Toronto, Ontario - with Transmitido en espanol SAP - and TONIGHT: Kane & ???? vs. Un-Americans for the tag team championship!) v. VICTORIA (challenger - Los Angeles, California - with TONIGHT: Union Underground performs and Divas dance!) v. MOLLY HOLLY (challenger - Mobile, Alabama)
referee: CHARLES ROBINSON
NORO! And we start right away as ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA identifies Stratus as the "NEW WWE Women's Championship!" Victoria and Stratus get into it before Molly's even entered the ring - Stratus with forearms until Molly uses the hairpull from behind. Stratus into the corner - elbow up on Molly, dumps Victoria on the apron, but Victoria punches HER, gutshot by Molly, scoop...and a slam, and Victoria with a somersault legdrop over the top rope back in! Molly holds her but ends up eating the kick from Victoria - Stratus rolls her up for 2. Victoria with a backslide for 2 but Molly breaks it up - this leads to discussion, briefly stopped when they each elbow Stratus, then continue the war of words. Head to the buckle by Molly, kick, Victoria kick, kick, into the opposite corner, Molly with a tumbling run handspring elbow, shoulder in the gut by Victoria. Molly with an open-handed slap - Victoria shows she can do it, too. Stratus into the ropes, ducks the double clothesline and hits one of her own! Forearm for you, forearm for you, forearm for you, ducks the clothesline attempt by Victoria and gives her a hangman's neckbreaker. Elbow on Molly, elbow, kick, gutshot for Victoria, into the corner but she gets the elbow up...but as she sits on the top turnbuckle, all it means is Stratus has the opportunity for the handstand leg scissors. Molly rakes her eyes - whip is reversed, gutshot by Stratus, but Molly throws her over the top rope to the floor! We don't see what Victoria does to Molly, but she's covering - 1, 2, kickout. Stratus still on the floor - Victoria with a right on Molly, another right. Subway Replay of Stratus' trip out of the ring. Stomp by Victoria. Suplex coming up - nicely done. Molly put into position - climbing up - MOONSAULT but Molly's out of the way! All three women down and Stratus is finally back in the ring - grabs a waistlock and rolls her up, 1, 2, Molly rolls back AND grabs the PANTS, 1, 2, kicked out into a collision with Victoria - Molly falls back into the rollup again - 1, 2, 3! Championship retains. (3:20)
In the locker room, Booker T & Goldust welcome a random gathering of superstars (Show, Richards, Hardy, Kane and Bubba Ray Dudley) to a special private presentation of "Goldizzy and B Teezy'z at the moviez." For their viewing pleasure, they present "some of the most brutal scenes of all time from a little joint we call 'Stank Wars: Rikishi's Ass Strikes Back.'" From Unforgiven, the clips roll - first some scenes of Stephanie with the lesbians (Goldust seems less confused than he normally would) - Bischoff's introduction of the "ugly lesbo," the big kiss, and the Rikishikick...and the stinky face. I think the most amazing part of this is SOMEHOW they got a hold of the version of the clips that doesn't have the big "WW" logo in the corner. Goldust says he hasn't seen anything that unbearable since the last Fozzy concert, then presents a very special portrait of Bischoff with Rikishi's ass in place of his head. "This is an outrage!" Camera turns to see Rico peering through the curtain. "Disgusting! It's despicable! I'm telling Eric!" Show: "That dude's on crack, man!" I *think* he's making a joke about the picture. Show said A LOT during this, actually - he must have known this was all the mic time he'd get tonight. No explanation, however, for the following gleaned quotes from Hardy, Dudley, Kane and Richards: "..."
Going into the commercial break AND coming out of the commercial break, we are reminded that CSI airs at 11:05 Mondays, right after RAW.
"Welcome to the RAW team, my man - good luck in your match tonight." Aw geez, pull back and let's see who it is nope no luck there. Rico enters the picture as he leaves. "What's he doin' on RAW? I thought he was on SmackDown!" Bischoff is peeved at Rico, wondering why he didn't come out when he was wearing Rikishi's ass as a hat. Rico reminds him that he sent them out on the town after the match. Bischoff says if he had any kind of loyalty, he'd have stuck around and put a stop to it. Rico says he's here to PROVE his loyalty, and promptly rats out the locker room for their shenanigans. "Laughing at me? Well I'll put an end to that RIGHT NOW!"
Your hosts are a pair of kings - JIM ROSS & JERRY LAWLER. We segue right into
THE WIFESWAPPER heads out as I note a band setup added to the stage for Union Underground later tonight - one more big video screen into the machinery, yep. "Don't you people even START with me! Because I am NOT in the mood. See let me get this straight - couple of weeks ago, I infiltrate SmackDown! I make sure I leave Stephanie McMahon laying, and her entire locker room comes out to save her? And last night, I get beaten to a pulp...I get humiliated, and not one person, not ONE of my RAW superstars show up to stop it?! And NOW - now I hear that they're LAUGHING? They're laughing at me? Oh, no no no, but it gets worse - oh yeah. I get a phone call from Vince McMahon's office, and I find out ... ["Ass hole!"] I f- I find out that he puts a freeze on all of the contracts? They're all legally binding now - that means nobody gets to jump between shows unless there's an official trade? Ah. But fortunately, I was able to cut a couple deals before the deadline...which means, if you're on RAW, you belong to ME. You are here to stay, no options, no choices, YOU BELONG TO ME. Which brings me to one of my *favourite* oh so loyal RAW superstars, why don't we bring him out here right now - BOOKER T. Dammit, I'm not asking you, I'm demanding it, Booker T, get your ass out here now!" And here he is. "Oh 'what up, dog?' Let me get this straight, DOG. So you think what happened to me last night...was FUNNY?" "You damn skippy, hippy! Look, man - just 'cause Rikishi used your face as toilet paper, don't blame me, E." "That's what I mean - see I don't think you get it - do you even know who you're dealing with?" "Whoa, whoa whoa, hold 'em up, man. Hold 'em up. I AM sorry. So - Seriously, I am sorry, but E - I got a question. I want everybody to hear this. After last night, does HLA still stand for Hot Lesbian Action...or Huge, Lumpy Ass? Hey man. Dog, step back, like, step back. Like I said, if it didn't stand for Huge Lumpy Action. Whoa whoa, step back - yo breath is heinous, like a fat man's anus. NOW CAN U DIG THAT, SUCKAAAAAAA." "Would you STOP laughing? You stop laughing right now! You're gonna show me some respect. You look at me - you're gonna show me some respect, I don't care if it takes you all night..." Crowd has already caught sight of THE NEW GOOD OL' JR and is booing. "...ah hell I ain't got all night, I only got about THREE MINUTES." T must have eyes in the back of his head - ducks Rosey and they trade rights - now it's T with rights, kicks him into the ropes and out (probably supposed to be over but Rosey missed it), Jamal in and T gives HIM a right and a flying jalapeno...he rolls out - T didn't count on RICO from behind, but there he is - forearm, right, right, right, kick - T evades the spinning roundhouse kick, though and is just about ready to turn the tide with a spinebuster when Jamal & Rosey come back in and the numbers take over. Press and Samoan Drop by Jamal. Here's GOLDUST to try to help, but he's one and they're two - but 'dust ducks the double clothesline and hits one of his own! Rico in to grab the ankles - 'dust can't move until Jamal superkicks him. Rosey adds a full nelson into a...something. A few more stomps around and then Rico raises their hands. Let's go to a break.
Stacker 2 ad (Bubba) - if you actually bought and used ephedra-free Stacker 2, wouldn't you kinda be missing the point? I mean, that'd be like drinking decaf because you enjoy the TASTE of coffee - that's just not what it's ABOUT. It's a CAFFEINE DELIVERY SYSTEM. Stacker 2 is an EPHEDRA DELIVERY SYSTEM. I mean....ah hell, in reality I have no idea what I'm talking about and just wanted to make a clever allusion. Let's move on
WWE LIVE! Tomorrow, San Diego! Sunday, Bossier City! RAW is Houston! And a week from tomorrow is Lafayette!
Bischoff congratulates Jamal, Rosey & Rico - there'll be no smartass comments from Booker T & Goldust the rest of the night! But just to be sure, he wants to book them in singles matches tonight. Rico volunteers to take on Booker T and Bischoff is happy to make the match. At this point, Chris Jericho hits the picture, distraught. "EB, I need to have a word with you, did you hear what that freak Goldust said about my band, Fozzy? Did you hear - we have Fozzy fanatics all across the entire world, we are HUGE ROCK STARS. I mean, if I could get my hands on him, do you know what I would DO to him? Do you know what I would--" Bischoff tells him to settle down - if he wants Goldust, he's got him for an intercontinental title defense. They walk off. "I never said anything about the intercontinental championship, Eric. EB...?"
JEFF HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2, JVC's Tower of Power HX Series, and Snickers Cruncher!) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds)
referee: NICK PATRICK
Geez, these two seemed so tight earlier...I guess the point of this match is to eliminate Show as the obvious choice for Kane's mystery tag team partner. (If you know me, you know what's coming next and can skip the next sentence - this is your only warning) Savio Vega, however, remains in the running! (Told ya) Hardy decides the best way to get a jump on the Show is to run the barricade and hit that clothesline to start out - almost taking out a blissfully unaware front row fan in the process - right, right, right, right, Show mauls him down and that's the end of that. Hard into the mats at ringside. Rolled into the ring. Hardy right back out with a tope suicida! Right, right, right, Show with a knee - press - hold - and drop to the floor. Patrick is having a devil of a time getting this action into the ring, but finally Show rolls him in and follows. Ring the bell! Well it's a big forearm. Subway Replay of the press and drop. Show hangs up Hardy on the top rope. Well it's the big knee to the ribs. Show walks over him - owch. Show puts a boot on his chest - 1, 2, Hardy rolls the shoulder. Show off the ropes - but into a Hardy dropkick to the knees! Show tries to drop an elbow but misses. Hardy right, right, off the ropes with a dropkick to the head. STOP SQUEALING! Hardy climbs to the top - swantonbomb onto his back! Hardy rolls him and covers - 1, 2, NO! Hardy tries to lunge for Show in the corner - but Show puts up a boot and catches him in the sternum. Onsale crawl so this match can't end for a FEW more moves... Hardy ducks a clothesline, off the ropes but meets the brick wall on the crossbody attempt. Show drops Hardy across his knee. Show relieves Hardy of his shirt and slaps his chest. Another gunshot slap. Well it's the big scoop...and another ribbreaker across the knee. Well it's the big double legdrop. Off the ropes, well it's the big boot to the head. Show throws him to the canvas, but Hardy rolls through and springs onto the second rope - springs off but CAUGHT - and ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. 1, 2, 3. (3:24) Give it a replay.
Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks to Tommy Dreamer's bad poetry and confrontation with Christopher Nowinski
Time now to have a word or two with Nowinski, who is in a classroom. "It's very simple, JR. Two weeks ago, Dreamer brutalised me with a Singapore cane. Well, that was a fight in his element; this is my element. A classroom - an institute of higher learning, a place I'VE excelled ever since kindergarten. I sent out word to Dreamer, gave him the time and the place. If he has any gumption at all, he'll be here any second." What's his plan for Dreamer? "Well ah, I'm gonna teach Tommy Dreamer a lesson even HE can understand - (snaps pointer to blackboard) - Don't mess with a Harvard graduate."
"No Mercy" ad features Pete Rose and rules. Kane: "Hi Pete."
Speaking of Kane, he's doing pushups!
Back to the classroom, where Dreamer has arrived for his date. "Professor Nowinski! Sorry I'm tardy - I guess I've always been a little late." "That's all right, Tommy..." Nowinski shoves aside a skeleton and takes a kendo stick - sorry, Singapore cane - to Dreamer. Nowinski takes time to point to Singapore on a map (ha) - Dreamer ducks the next shot, right, right, into a file cabinet. "Look Chris - it's where I'm from, Yonkers!" and runs him into the map. "And here's California!" Dreamer shows him the books - the hard way - then dumps the case on him. Then he rams his head through the ceiling (ooh!) and back into the wall again. Nowinski comes back, ramming Dreamer through the bookcase and punching away. Nowinski points to a white board. "Harvard's greater than Dreamer!" Dreamer comes back with an uppernut. Hard into the wall, leaving a mark. "Here's your last lesson." And he clocks him RIGHT in the face with the kendo stick! "Class dismissed." (WWE.com says Nowinski is going in for jaw surgery to remove a benign something-or-other, so this is the "storyline" version.)
Ross asks us to come back to watch him make a very special introduction of RAW's newest superstar!
CSI airs at 11:05!
STEVEN RICHARDS (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - 235 pounds) v. ?
referee: JACK DOAN
It's almost like Richards moved from Philadelphia to Waterford, but only for a couple weeks, and then he moved BACK to Philadelphia. That had to have been a MAJOR pain for him! LARRY KING is also in the ring, and takes over for the second introduction: "Ladies and gentlemen, it is certainly a privlige for me to introduce this next young superstar, the newest member of the RAW roster, making his debut tonight. I knew his grandaddy, Bob Orton, Sr.; I know his father, Bob Orton, Jr.; please welcome the newest member to RAW, 22 year old RANDY ORTON!" OH MAN WHAT A COUP FOR ERIC BISCHOFF INDEED. I mean, it's nice that they're *trying* to make this a big deal, what with Ross publicly applauding and Lawler acting like this is really exciting hot shit, but....well, c'mon, I ain't buying it. Richards isn't either - he says he's gonna show HIM. Lockup, forearm to the back by Richards, forearm, right, into the ropes, hiptoss block, hiptoss by Orton, armdrag, scoop...and a slam, into the ropes, sweet dropkick, 1, 2, no. Right, right, into the opposite corner, splash but nobody home. Richards with a gutwrench suplex. Kick in the back - elbowdrop to the back, elbowdrop, double axehandle. Head to the buckle by Richards, knee in the back, knee, forearm, forearm. I *think* he's targeting the small of the back. Into the opposite corner - charges in but Orton hammocks along the top ropes, then rolls down with a rollup for 2. Richards right back up with a clothesline. Stomp to the small of the back. Two handfuls of hair - up for a sidewalk slam - and down. 1, 2, no! Forearm to the small of the back - still has a handful of hair - snapmares him over and applies the full nelson, then steps over and sits back into a full nelson clutch. Orton isn't giving up - back to his feet - elbow, back elbow, back elbow, off the ropes, ducks, rollup for 2. Richards with a clothesline. DDT coming up - no, neckbreaker attempt blocked and Orton hits a death suplex. Doan puts on the count as both men are down. At 5, Richards is up - Orton is up - Orton with the clothesline as Richards runs in - Richards into the ropes, back body drop, clothesline off the ropes by Orton and a flying jalapeno - whip attempt is reversed and Orton bends Richards backwards over his back - 1, 2, no. Richards goes behind, waistlock, elbow ducked, gutshot and DDT - cover - 1, 2, Orton lifts the shoulder! Into the ropes, reversed by Orton into a powerslam - 1, 2, Richards is out! Richards shot into the ropes, ducks, STEVENKICK! 1, 2, NO!! Man that move NEVER works. Richards can't believe it but decides to try to hook the leg again - 1, 2, no. Richards starts to throw a tantrum at Doan's cadence. Orton stood up in the corner - blatant chokery for 4. Into the opposite corner, Orton gets up a knee, forearm in the back, forearm, whip is reversed but Orton is up and over and Richards headbutts the buckle - Orton climbs up top - big big plancha lands - 1, 2, 3! (6:02) Replay. Orton takes a victory lap to slap hands with the front row...
Ric Flair is WALKING!
The WWE Slam of the Week is brought to you by Dreamworks Pictures' "The Tuxedo." From Unforgiven, Ric Flair shocks absolutely nobody by using the sledgehammer on RVD instead of Triple H.
CSI airs at 11:05!
Did I mention CSI is a special show at a special time - after RAW?
"And now, performing RAW's Anthem - titled 'Across the Nation' from the Forceable Entry CD, please welcome THE UNION UNDERGROUND!" While they "perform," STACY KEIBLER, TERRI, JACQUELINE, and Garcia also "perform" - the earlier graphic promised Stratus but I guess after that INTENSE title defense she couldn't handle coming out to pretend to enjoy this song and dance. Crowd couldn't seem to care less, but does appreciate several lecherous views of Keibler's butt cheeks. Believe it or not, the "Forceable Entry" CD is STILL available!
THIS JUST IN: SmackDown Records releases Neurotica from all contractual obligations, citing their complete failure to properly provide promotion...well, they didn't say that in so many words, mind you, but...
Without delay, RIC FLAIR makes his way to the ring and it looks like we'll roll into the RAW Zone here as the credits, "transmitido en espanol SAP" graphic, TV-14-DLV and CC boxes make an appearance. "Do you know why I'm here? Because Triple H made me realise something. He told me that I had lost my passion...my guts...and my instinct. He even looked me in the eye and told me I was pathetic. And he was right. You know why? Because I cared more about what YOU thought I was doin' that I cared about myself - hell, I was tryin' to be the mentor to young guys back there that didn't want my help or advice anyway. But lemme share somethin' with ya - Triple H grew up wanting to be just - like - The Nature Boy. Yeah. He idolised Ric Flair. And look at him now - the World's Heavyweight Champion! The very best there is in our business today. Bigger and better! And now it's my job to take Triple H to another level, ya see, Triple H and the Nature Boy side by side are gonna ride as high as he wants to go. I'm gonna teach Triple H how to high-style and profile. I'm gonna teach him how to be a Rolex-wearin', limousine-ridin', jet-flyin' son of a gun! But most of all, I'm gonna teach Triple H how to be the world champion as long as he wants to be. And you know what the payoff is for the Nature Boy? I'm gonna be right by his side, so that I can end MY career the way I started it...on top. Livin' as high as I possibly could every day of my life." We look back stage to see Rob van Dam - WALKING! "Ladies and gentlemen, look who's here! R - V - D! The man that wrestled Triple H for the world championship last night, and LOST! I guess, Rob, you know why, firsthand, I'm the dirtiest player in the game." POINTS TO SELF has now made his way through the curtain and out to the stage. "Hey, don't be comin' down here - I'm the sixteen-time world champion, you'll never be the champion one time. Don't be comin' down here, brother." Of course, Flair is only occupying him so TRIPLE H can run down from behind and take him down with a forearm. Hard into the STEEL steps. Into the ring for a doubleteam where Flair and H take turns attacking the taped ribs - H holding him for Flair's field goal kick. H stands over him, mic in hand. "You don't get it, do ya, van Dam huh. You can't win. You get it? You are DONE. You understand me? YOU - CAN'T - WIN." BUBBA RAY DUDLEY runs out and cleans house at this point - but he's one and they're two and finally the numbers take over and turn the tide. Dudley thrown outside and Flair returns to pepper van Dam with right hands. H holds him for one more kick before H and Flair take off to avoid Dudley coming in with chair in hand. Flair raises H's hand out on the ramp and we head to the break
...where you may be interested to learn that CSI airs right after RAW
So how come Flair didn't mention anything about teaching Triple H to be kiss stealin'?
When we come back, JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up with Dudley and tries to get a word. "Enough is enough, Coach! I'm tired of hearing him, and I'm tired of seeing him! This is not the Triple H Show! This is not the Ric Flair Show! This is RAW. THIS is the Fan Show! And I'll be damned if I have to sit through one more Triple H or Ric Flair speech ever again!" van Dam catches up to them. "Hey, my thoughts exactly, Bubba, and I say let's go finish the job. Let's me and you go out there and kick their asses!" Off they go...but Bischoff blocks their path. "Where do you think you're going? And did I - FAN show? Are you kiddin' me? RAW is MY show. And lemme tell you something, nobody calls the shots around here but me, so if you guys want Triple H and Flair so badly, you'll do it in the ring - in tag team action - (scopes van Dam's ribs) - TONIGHT. And by the way, RVD ...DUDE, I'd be watchin' those ribs. I know Flair and Triple H will be. (laughs) Good luck."
The irony of it is that Bubba's wrong - this show is actually "Raw Zone."
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS JERICHO (champion - Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds - with WrestleMania XIX press conference hype - tomorrow in Seattle!) v. GOLDUST (challenger - Hollywood, California - 250 pounds)
referee: CHAD PATTON
Crowd chants "Fozzy Sux" which thrills Jericho. Lockup, to the corner...Jericho slaps the chest, 'dust slaps the face. Jericho runs into a drop toehold, a hiptoss, Jericho put into the ropes for the BUTTBUTT! Jericho comes up raking the face. Right hand. Right. Chop. Chop. Into the ropes, 'dust catches the dropkick and gives Jericho a WOW catapult into the corner - atomic drop - gutshot, kick, into the opposite corner, reversed by Jericho into the corner, and Goldust backs out into a forearm in the back. Choke on the second rope for 4. Strangely, Lawler and Ross start talking about great memories of events past here at the Arrowhead Pond (hmm, you know I never told you that this is WWE RAW #487 LIVE from the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, CA 23.9.2 and broadcast on The New TNN & TSN) such as the Backlot Brawl between Goldust and Roddy Piper, and the Iron Man WWF title match between Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart...wait, so apparently the only memories are of WrestleMania XII, right? ANYWAY, Jericho hits a neckbreaker. Jericho cups his ear to and fro, and the crowd voices displeasure. Snapmares him over, and there's a neck vice. Ross says Jamal & Rosey tweaked 'dust's neck earlier in the show Jericho's seeking to finish the job. No submission from the Bizarre One, so Jericho picks him up - head to the buckle, forearm, right hand by Goldust, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed by Jericho, AGAIN the dropkick misses when 'dust hooks the ropes, 'dust rolls him up for 2 - Jericho right back up with an elbow off the ropes. Stomp. Jericho slaps his face and gives him what for. Scooped up and dropped throat on the top rope. Jericho feeds the crowd again. Another rope choke by Jericho - going for the Boss Man straddle...and lands it. 'dust right, right, Jericho right, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the corner, elbow up by 'dust, Jericho ducks the swing and gives him a neckbreaker and cover - feet on the ropes but 'dust STILL manages to get out at 2. 'dust right, Jericho right, 'dust, Jericho, 'dust slaps, Jericho chops, right, chop, off the ropes but runs into a clothesline! 'dust off the ropes with ANOTHER clothesline - Jericho ducks the next one but runs into a uranage - 1, 2, NO! Jericho reverses the whip, head down and Goldust drops down for the uppercut. Goldust - going for the Curtain Call II but Jericho goes down the back - off the ropes but runs right into a snappy powerslam from Goldust - 1, 2, NO!! Back rake by Goldust! Whip into the corner is reversed, Jericho going for the bulldog but Goldust rides him right into a turnbuckle straddle! Another buttbutt in the corner and now 'dust parts the legs and sets him up for Shattered Dreams. Patton warns him, warns him, and warns him again - 'dust runs for the kick ANYWAY, but Patton blocks his path. 'dust foolishly shoves him out of the way, but ends up taking a missile dropkick as Jericho frees himself and leaps off the buckle. Walls of Jericho coming up - Goldust tries to crawl to the ropes, but they're so far away...and Jericho pulls him back anyway, so he gives it up. Champ retains. (6:39) Jericho makes sure Patton raises his hand one more time.
UP NEXT: Kane & ???? vs. Un-Americans! Tag team championship!
Grab an eyeful of the Pond!
In the front row is MEREDITH BROOKS - she sang "Bitch" and just HAPPENS to be producing an upcoming Lilian Garcia song! WOTTA COINCIDENCE!
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: UN-AMERICANS (champions - Lance Storm & Christian - 454 pounds - with William Regal) v. KANE (Parts Unknown - 326 pounds) & THE HURRICANE (Parts Unknown - 215 pounds) (challengers)
Noooooooooooooooooooooo! Not only does having Hurricane be his partner make no sense, but it ALSO becomes part of the vast conspiracy to keep Lise from meeting Hurricane by (possibly) having him be far away from San Diego tomorrow! What a revoltin' situation! It's Hurricane and Christian to start - Hurricane ducks, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Christian...but runs into a jumping clothesline by Hurricane. Christian taken to the turnbuckle, Hurricane with the blockbuster neckbreaker - Storm in and Hurricane ducks his swing - neckbreaker for HIM - Wonder Twin Power Tag (even though Kane is not holding the OMG TAG ROPES ARE BACK ON RAW TELL YOUR MOM!) and in comes Kane - right for Christian, sidewalk slam for Storm, Christian scooped up...and thrown onto Storm. Tag to Hurricane - climbing up - Kane launches him onto the pile! Right for Christian, into the ropes, reversed, Regal ankles him and pulls him outside - Hurricane with a right for HIM, preventing a knux punch, but still he was distracted just enough to take a baseball slide dropkick by Christian. Patrick is busy detaining Kane, of course, and doesn't notice Storm AND Regal stomping away on Hurricane on the outside. Thrown back in to Christian, where he stomps, stomp, stomp, stomp, stands on the back of the neck and uses the ropes. Right hand. Tag to Storm - held open for the forearm in the back, right, into the ropes, back elbow, cover, 2. "USA" chant comes back. Tag to Christian - held open for the kick in the ribs and Storm adds one more shot before heading back to the corner. Christian with a backbreaker across the knee. 1, 2, no. Christian with a chokehold - I mean, headlock. Hurricane back to his feet - elbow, elbow, elbow breaks it up, off the ropes, ducks, but eats a gutshot and Christian hits his backbreaker for 2. Hurricane sneaks in a gutshot, right, right, right, right, Christian ducks, Hurricane flips out of the suplex attempt - ducks again - Eye of the Hurricane! Both men are down and both partners really want that tag. Tag to Storm - HOT TAG TO KANE! Clothesline for Storm! Clothesline! Into the ropes, big back body drop, free shot for Regal as he climbs onto the apron, Christian leaps off the top but gets caught in the goozle...Storm with a forearm to break it up - into the ropes, Kane with a double clothesline! Kane outside and going up - looks like it's time for the flying clothesline (that doesn't hit until he lands on his feet) - now Regal is in with a belt to Kane's skull - Patrick is busy with TEST, who's suddenly out and on the apron, and misses it. Storm makes the cover...1, 2, NO! Patrick finally puts it together, runs outside and gives the heave-ho to BOTH Test and Regal. Calling for some backup, two more REFS come out to help escore them to the back. Meanwhile, Christian is back in and stomping away on Kane...Hurricane back on the top buckle - Hurricanerana on Christian! Storm up, Hurricane has HIM in the choke - but Christian saves him with a shot in the back before the Hurrichokeslam can hit. Christian holding him - Hurricane out and Christian eats Storm's leg lariat! Kane up - chokes Storm - Hurricane has Christian - STEREO CHOKESLAM! Kane covers Storm - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (6:27)
WWE LIVE! Tomorrow, San Diego! Saturday, West Palm Beach! Sunday, Beaumont! Houston is RAW! And Lafayette the day after that!
Terri has Hurricane backstage. Why did Kane pick him as has partner? "Holy obvious answer, Tammy! You see, Kane and the Hurricane are the perfect match! We both wear mask! We both use the chokeSLAM! And we have two of the most impressive physiques (poses) IN the WWE! And you ask me why he would choose me as a partner? Wassupwitdat? You see, the fact is, I've been looking for a sidekick for a long time now... (Kane arrives) ...uh, 'sidekick,' see, that was just a little Hurrihumour..." Kane covers his mouth. "Terri, you wanna ni - you wanna know why I picked this guy as my tag team partner? Look at him - he's a freak - just like me - just like all those Kane-enites out there! Oh yeah, and you know what, Terri? FREAKS are COOL!" "Exactamundo! Now let's go celebrate. QUICK! To the Hurricave!" He leaps away...then comes back. "Hey, ain't you gonna...celebrate?" "Hold on a second." Then he plants a sexual harrassmant kiss on Terri! "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! Now I'm ready to go celebrate!" "That's what *I* call an all-AmeriKANE!"
Meanwhile, Coach has the Un-Americans from their locker room. "We didn't lose our tag team titles, they were STOLEN! Stolen by American incompetence, I mean Lance had Kane covered for at least a ten count, and the referee is too busy lookin' up the ramp when he should have been doing his job and making the cover! We're not gonna take this!" Regal: "Enough! Enough - the only ones to blame here are us. I don't want to come across like some bloody pathetic whining Americans. It's time to regroup, it's time to rethink our strategies, and to come back from this little setback stronger than ever. So, you...this interview is now officialy over, so PESS OFF!" They huddle...
BOOKER T. (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds - with RAW in Houston hype) v. RICO (Las Vegas, Nevada - 232 pounds)
T strikes first - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Rico sneaks in one as Robinson forces the break - right, right, right, whip is reversed into a back kick by T. Mount, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Rico right. Into the corner they go - right, kick, right, kick, right, kick, right, choke, kick, kick, kick, springs off the second rope for the (I believe) rider kick, forearms him down, hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. What the HECK is falling from the ceiling? Left, right, knee, knee, kneelift. T bugs his eyes out. Rico right, into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by T, clothesline, clothesline, off the ropes with a flying clothesline, something is DEFINITELY falling from the rafters but must not have been planned. Rico pokes the eyes. T ducks, then lands a side kick..and consults his hand. It's time for the spinarooni! T with the gutshot, the ax kick, and good night. (2:06) THE NEW GOOD OL' JR hit the ring but attack black ninja style, allowing T to take each man down individually...but eventually falling to Rico's spinning roundhouse kick. Double flapjack by Rosey & Jamal as Rico holds back Robinson. Jamal up top - there's the big splash. Here comes GOLDUST - bad idea. Rosey eats Jamal's superkick when 'dust ducks, though, and then right, right, clothesline to take out Jamal. Rico from behind - 'dust turns round, right, into the ropes, clothesline! Damn, I was hoping Rico and Goldust would have a "gay" moment but it looks more like Rico's going to have to take Shattered Dreams instead. Wait, THAT'S kinda gay, right? Oops, Jamal back in with a superkick that DOES land on Goldust. Rosey with a front slam. Jamal (the reason I can tell them apart is Jamal has "Jamal written on his jersey - possibly in block letters in masking tape) gives him the top rope splash. Play their music! Replays of both splashes. REFS and TRAINER CHRIS I FORGOT HIS LAST NAME are out and we take a break.
Coming back live, Booker T & Goldust are being helped out by the officials when Bischoff happens by. "Whoa, whoa, WHOA. Hold up, you guys don't look so healthy. Hey, have I got your respect now, Booker? HUH? Didja learn your lesson? Well I hope so, because next week RAW is coming to your hometown, Houston, and if you didn't learn your lesson tonight, you're gonna learn it again next week. You guys - tag team action - with Rosey & Jamal, so whaddaya think about that, Booker?" "What do I think about that? I think you are...what you eat. Eric, I think you're an asshole."
To the locker room and Bubba Ray Dudley and Rob van Dam: "Sure you wanna go through with this?" "Oh yeah, I'm REAL sure. You know, some people take peace of mind and confuse it with lack of passion. I happen to be very passionate about gettin' in the ring with Ric Flair and Triple H. They TOOK my intercontinental title - they took my shot at the world championship - they took EVERYTHING. See, it doesn't matter if I'm hurt or not, Bubba...I got nothin' left to lose."
UP NEXT: Rob van Dam & Bubba Ray Dudley vs. Triple H & Ric Flair!
"Forceable Entry" CD ad - why, that Matt Pinfield is SO unprofessional!
CSI is NEXT!
Stacker 2 ad #2 (same)
TNN takes over the bottom of the screen with their usual chyron litter - "CSI COMING UP AT 11:05PM AFTER RAW" well no kidding?
Examine the WWE.com home page!
TRIPLE H (World Heavyweight Champion - Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds - with No Mercy onsale hype - meet Kevin Nash!) and RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, North Carolina - 234 pounds - with Subway presents No Mercy!) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 310 pounds) and ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds)
referee: EARL HEBNER
It's strange, but both times we've heard Flair's theme tonight it didn't have that annoying "Woooo!" in front of it - perhaps not THAT strange, since it probably helps signify his heel turn. I mean, we'd LIKE to think they just figured out it was WRONG to have it, but things tend to not work that way, don't they? Strangely, Ross DOES add "kiss stealin'" to Flair's list when recapping his earlier promo. Did Flair just teach H how to have Hebner part the ropes for him? Lawler: "You know what, if you'd hang with me, and just, like--" Ross: "I'd be divorced again." "Well..." "I can't afford it." "...let me just say that uh...SUBWAY presents No Mercy LIVE..." Don't tell me this match'll only go five minutes? Flair tries to start in a corner without a tag rope and H has to point it out to him (to his credit he does TRY to be sly about it, but the camera caught it, and so I did too.) Bubba tries to convince van Dam to let him start, and H takes advantage of his back to him to land the forearm to the back, head to the buckle, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, big back body drop by Dudley, clothesline, free shot for Flair and H sits back, giving us surprise. Flair makes the tag but H decides to have him hang back instead. "We want tables!" "You hear that?" They lock up again. H powers out, and Dudley hits the shoulderblock. Dudley dares him to bring it - this time H backs up and lets the tag stick. Flair's in - lock up, side headlock from Flair, Dudley powers out, Flair...TAKES the shoulderblock, huh. I didn't think that was how it worked! Flair up with a shove - Dudley puts him down with a right. Arm wringer, going to tag van Dam...but Flair pulls back, frees himself and tags out to Triple H. H with a gutshot, head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, tag to Flair (wasn't holding the tag rope), winds up and chops Dudley - chop - right hand is blocked, positions switched - open-handed slap by Dudley, slap, slap, into the opposite corner, FLAIR FLIP doesn't happen as Flair botches it and ends up straddling the middle rope on his way down - into the opposite corner, Dudley with a back body drop as he comes out. "You want him?" Tag to van Dam! Elbow, elbow, elbow, into the ropes - dropkick! Elbow, elbow, elbow, into the opposite corner, shoulder, shoulder, superfluous backflip, monkey flip out doesn't look too pretty (that's two, Flair), van Dam springs to the top and connects with the kick on the way down. H in - viscera by van Dam for him - off the ropes, Rolling Thunder! Every chance van Dam gets, he holds his ribs for our benefit. Flair takes advantage with an eye gouge. H with a running clothesline. H sits van Dam on top and climbs up after him - van Dam back elbow, back elbow, back elbow to take him out of the corner - split-legged moonsault MISSES and van Dam grabs the ribs again. H grabs a leg...van Dam with an enzuimule - and tags Bubba Ray Dudley! Tag to Flair - Dudley block, right, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, free shot for H, Flair into the corner, back body drop out, H in and HE gets a Samoan drop - Flair into the ropes, big sidewalk slam, hooks the leg, 1, 2, H makes the save. Double whip into the corner, but Bubba is out with a double clothesline of his own! Double punch, double punch, double punch, double punch, flip flop and double elbow! H clotheslined out of the ring - scoop...and a slam for Flair - holding him for "What Are You Doing?" from van Dam - only, I guess van Dam doesn't know how it works, saying nothing and coming off the top with a legdrop between the legs instead of a headbutt! H gets shoved off again from Bubba but apparently van Dam knows *this* bit - Bubba, Get the Tables. The show should have ended by now, according to The New TNN - oh well. H again makes it onto the apron, only to get a baseball slide dropkick from van Dam AND a right hand from Bubba to keep him on the floor. Flair is doing his best begging off but van Dam is not sympathetic. Punches from both men. Flair laid on the table as van Dam climbs to the top - but JUST in time, H is up and shoving him off and all the way to the barrier at ringside! van Dam clutches his ribs. Dudley with a right, right, right on H...but Flair's up, shoving Dudley into a hot shot by H - falls back into a rollup and a handful of tights from Flair - 1, 2, 3! (Boeing 7:07) Dudley back up, clothesline for Flair, right on H, right, whip into the opposite corner (H running AROUND the table to get there) - but Flair chop blocks Dudley before he can follow up. Dudley tossed outside. "RVD" chant but van Dam ain't moving - well, not until H rolls him into the ring and finds the sledgehammer underneath the ring. Before he can swing, Bubba's in with an uppernut for H! Flair tossed over and out - gutshot for H - here comes the powerbomb through the table - OHHHHH that wasn't right. H ended up going through the very edge of the table, breaking off a corner but nothing else. Bubba goes down clutching his shoulder. van Dam over to check...now putting H on the table - right, right, vaults to the top...Flair running around on the outside, now on the apron with the sledgehammer - amazingly, Hebner and Flair manage to not crotch van Dam by wiggling the top rope - van Dam off the top with a double legdrop that DOES put H through the table but looks like it hurt him just as much! Well, it WAS an improv so we can't complain TOO loudly... Flair in to check on H - Raw Zone credits are up and we're out!
CSI is NOW!
We should have some very interesting spoilers up tonight from our San Diego connection, so please come back!