The Monday Nitro Workrate Report
A weekly look at what did and didn't work on Monday Nitro by Dean Rasmussen
Monday, January 4th, 1999
What Worked
Eddy fights through the pain of an automobile accident to show his boys
how a TRUE Latin Lover macks on the ladies but ingrateful bastards
Damien and El Dandy put a damper on the proceedings by grumbling about
getting Latino Jesus a soda! Gee, fellas, if it wasn't for Eddy ruling
the WORLD on THE STICK and giving your foray into mainstream American
consciousness some semblance of structure, y'all would be jobbing to
Wrath in thirty seconds or back in Mexico doing nine alarm bladejobs for
seven dollars and forty cents a night. GET THE MAN A SODA. And the
ladies too! Loveless- Hector Garza and Psicosis beg for the Eddy and
Juventud ultra stompdown by talking shit about the best worker their
pathetic eye's will ever see. Eddy can get as uppity as he wants- HE'S
YOUR MEAL TICKET in the US, Fannypants! Silver King and LaParka seem
to be having a PHAT ASS time as they shake it old school with the
Marimba band. SilverKing and LaParka look like they are sticking around
the LWO when it turns completely EVIL and beats the hell out of Hector
Garza- which is great. With the first break in the LWO becoming
apparent, the best thing is that the WORST we get to look forward to is
Damien vs Ciclope- Mask vs Hair, which will ONLY be really great- as
opposed to every other match up, all of which will RULE THE GODDAM
WORLD. This all leads up to the cool as hell Juventud/Psicosis vs
Rey/Kidman match. This is interesting because it looks like Psic is
being used to replace Eddy for the next couple of months until His Royal
Badness' hip recovers. One can see an opportunity not unlike Juventud
had when injury to Rey created a window of opportunity for Juventud to
shine. Juventud succeeded spectacularly; can Psic make the best of a bad
situation and do something worthwhile in the rudo vacuum that a
sidelined Eddy creates? Psic is definately a good enough worker and
rudo to get everything over in the ring but one would have to figure
that he can't recreate the magic of Eddy because HELL! Eddy is one of
the few guys on earth to create what the REAL greats create- TRUE heel
heat and ALSO obvious respect from the average wrestling fan because
they know he can go. My suggestion would be to keep everything in a
holding pattern with outstanding matches by committee- dazzle them with
great matches to kill time- to keep the momentum up until Eddy the
catalyst can get back to kick everything FORWARD TO VICTORY! Time to
elevate some guys and keep this angle alive. THE MATCH ITSELF: This
was just like last weeks in it's coolness overcoming the clunky parts
and it smoked everything else on the show like a corn-fed ham. Psicosis
gets the big win with the legdrop after Rey and Kidman get in the
duelling planchas. Psic and Juventud aren't the budding Greatest
Tagteam Ever that Juventud and Eddy were just beginning to become as of
last week but this was definately something cool enough to settle for-
though they should kick up the evil intensity if they are to be the
Eddy/Juventud placebo for three to six months. Kidman once again BUMPED
HIS ASS OFF to make this a pleasing bit of TV wrestling. Psic did the
Legdrop over the toprope in the 57th craziest thing I've ever seen him
do. Rey was once again the Technico's Technico and this was all pretty
great. I hope they do this match until they get it 100% right. Push
Psic early and often.
Benoit and Horace had a neat little match. This was pretty much why
you give Benoit more money than WWF pays the Rock- if Benoit can sell
and work well enough to make Horace Boulder look presentable on the
first hour of Nitro, IMAGINE what he would have done with the
equally-as-untalented-as-Horace Hunter Hearst Helmsley in a MAIN EVENT
on Raw is War. Benoit makes Horace's spunky little tope look Ciclon
Ramirez-like by flying into the guardrail like a MAN. Benoit sells for
a while and then beats the shit out of the august former-FMW tag champ
and we all feel as if he could beat up on him some more- y'know, for the
kids. I came to the conclusion thatHorace is a very talented version of
Ed Leslie, stylistically.
Chavo and Norman Smiley had a good little match eventhough Chavo blows
the springboard Bulldog about as horribly as anyone ever has. There was
lotsa neat roll-ups. Chavo needs to get into the big LWO angle already
and get on with his career.
Jericho and Saturn was really neat until the horrible ending. Jericho
did that cool springboard dropkick.
Tony Schiovonne reminds us of Cactus Jack in the WCW and we- as a
nation- remember him being the Jewel in the Turd that was WCW 1990-1994
and all turn to Raw to see him actually get appreciated for putting over
stiffs in the WWF that are ALMOST as horrible as the Nasty Boys and Max
Pain. WCW and Sidewalk Slam Tony forgets that most actual wrestling
fans would rather watch real wrestler Mick Foley read from Animal
Husbandry Training Manuals than watch whatever dreck Goldber, Hogan, and
Nash are serving up. I'm guessing that Tony made the biggest mistake in
our sport by announcing the main event of RAW on Nitro because I see
that Raw's main event stomped WCW's into the ground- ratings-wise. I
mean, WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HOGAN? I guess it was mean of WCW to bait
and switch the rubes with the different Main Event than was advertised.
I guess I could give a shit about the feeling of the rubes who came to
see Goldberg vs Nash because if it wasn't for rubes buying into the
entire style over substance of Hogan and Nash and ceding them power, it
would have been a main event IIII would have wanted to see as opposed to
any of the shit that floats at the top of WCW. Fuckem. You gave power
to Hogan and Nash, don't cry to WorkrateTAPEboy when they crush your
little mark dreams and deliver shit for the sixty-seventh week in a row
for a main event. I'ma bust out crying. WCW delivered FOR ME with the
lucha tag match so all the rubes can jump up my ass. WCW was GOOD to me
Monday. I don't care what it did for Joe Sixpack who came to see Luger
because he's BAAD. Ha Ha, I kill me.:P
HEY! DDP was feeling it and Brian Adams is still trying not to suck.
Welcome to this side. Welcome to the skin of your teeth.
In the truly horrible Konnan/Steiner debacle, Charles Robinson ONCE
AGIN took the MAN-SIZED ref bump- making it THREE WEEKS IN A ROW.
Robinson is a king of refs.
What Didn't Work
Long ago, back when all the workers were in the WWF and the WCW was
pushing David Sullivan, there was a tagteam in the WWF. One was really
fat and he was my favorite of the two because he was such a sorry,
sloppy worker that he legit hurt the Undertaker and Deisel and thus I
didn't have to watch their sorry no-working asses on my TV for a couple
of weeks and I could concentrate fully on the cool Bret Hart vs Hakushi
feud. This fat man was Mabel and he was one of the worst workers to
ever come down the pike. He had a partner who was much less fat and
much shorter. He was the "worker" of the tagteam eventhough he really
was not afraid to stink up the ring with his crappy grappling stylings.
He was Mo and he could do a Moonsault. The year is 1999 and WCW owns
most of the really good workers in the world and they decided to bring
out a taller version of Mo. His name is Hugh Morris and BOY! does he
suck. He does a Moonsault. Mo's was better.
The NWO IS BACK TOGETHER! I couldn't possibly give a hoot in hell when
these two factions of total useless, no-working stiffs were at odds with
each other. They've clumped all the turds into one big lump and it's
about that appealing on my TV set. YOU watch it. Where's my ARSION
tape...
Booker T was in a squash. I love Booker T but Booker T was in a
squash. Yep.
Scott Steiner sucks. He can't even sell Konan's elementary school
level offense. THIS GUY WAS IN THE SAME RING AS HIROSHI HASE? Egads
does Steiner suck.
Bam Bam Bigelow when he is fired up is one of the best big men in
wrestling. He HAS a list of freaky good matches that SHOULD have sucked
but he bumped and wrestled for two- Bigelow dragged TAAAZ to a watchable
match. And TAZ really sucks shit in the ring. Bigelow dragged (I can't
believe I actually saw it on tape) KOJI KITAO to a watchable match.
HELL! Bigelow dragged LAWRENCE TAYLOR to a watchable match. So
Bigelow's been in with the True Kings of Wrestling Suck and made them
look good. Bigelow is feeling it against Wrath- bumping for him, trying
to brawl with him, ANYTHING to get something out of him. Wrath- who
really does suck- is a crappier brawler than he is a regualr wrestler.
And he SUCKS as a regular wrestler. The dream is SOOO over Mr
Nightstalker Person. Join Sycho Sid, El Gigante and Nitron- you fellow
honorees in the Annals of Big Guys Who Weren't Very Good Now Were They.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.
