The Monday Nitro Workrate Report
A weekly look at what did and didn't work on Monday Nitro by Dean Rasmussen
Monday, January 18th, 1999
WCW continues to be the most nightmarishly psychotic girlfriend I could
have. The last two weeks she's been listening to her stupid friends and
went out of her way to piss me off. This week she came over to my side
a little- but it wasn't like my puroresu girlfriend which wears the
Dallas Cowboy cheerleader outfit and tells me how good-lookin' I am all
the time. WCW didn't spit directly into the faces of it's real
wrestlers so it was quite a giant step up.
What Worked
Lex Luger is more of a company man than ANY of the legendary company
men- Arn Anderson, Stan Hansen, Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Toshiaki Kawada.
Sure, Kawada will continue to be loyal to Baba and Misawa after they
continue to metaphorically smack him directly in the face time and time
again. But would he sell for Rey Misterio Jr LIKE THAT!?!? Sure Stan
Hansen would screw over Verne Gagne royally over the AWA belt, out of
loyalty to Baba. But would he sell for Rey Misterio AT ALL?!?! Sure
Arn Anderson put over the Renega... oh wait. Anyway, I figured this was
gonna suck it so hard that I would projectile vomit onto the wall. For
whatever reason, Lex Luger decides to make Rey Misterio Jr look credible
or make himself look really uncredible- I dunno. Either way, it helped
Rey and that's all I REALLY care about. It was nice of Luger- and Nash
to certain extent- to sell for the little creep. HEY! This sets up a
tag match that NO ONE wanted to see.
Jericho does a credible Benoit Lite impersonation- wrestling about the
same match as Benoit and Booker T wrestled in the Big Eight, with more
Memphis and less Whip Ass than his more talented Compatriot- but with
Jericho making Booker T's tricky and hard-to-make-credible offense look
real real good. Booker T shows what sets him apart from the other WCW
wrestlers of his size- the ability to actually WORK and the propensity
to bump like a motherfucker. Jericho must be close to re-signing or the
WCW wants to jack up the price for the WWF to sign him because you can
stick five upper card WWF guys who are almost as carryable as Booker T
in this slot and it could main event a PPV in one year. My guess is
that WCW has no idea what they're doing.
WELL! WELL! Psicosis is FINALLY getting a push and Juventud is the
first to put him over clean as a sheet. Juventud is TRUE friend because
not only did he make Psicosis look as great as he actually IS, but he
also didn't one-up Psic's SWANK- and I mean SWANK- LWO FUCK-YOU-GRINGO
mask. Being a GUY, Juventud found AMAZINGLY hideous pants to truly
shift all gazes of Lucha coolness towards the man with the horns on his
head. The match itself was really cool with some really big spots that
were set up well- though a bit more flying would have dragged the
deadbeat crowd more into the proceedings. Juventud opts to totally kill
himself for Psic as he takes the tope straight into the rail and by
taking the toperope face-buster- well HEY!- right on the face. I can't
figure out how they are gonne heat this baby up now that Latino Jesus is
out for a while. I guess we'll see what kinda starpower Kidman is
packing in this feud.
Saturn vs Scott Steiner was neat for a minute there when it looked like
the new suplexboy was gonna go suplex to suplex with the old suplexboy.
Unfortunately, Steiner- who stinks- ain't up for the challenge. Though
he does muster a great released bell-to-belly, the whole match COULD
have been just great.
What Didn't Work
I kept the Bischoff vs David Flair match on the permanent tape because
ONE DAY someone is gonna have a complete copy of ALL of the AWA Team
Challenge and ALL of the "Bandits and Bodyguards" PPV AAAANNNNNND PWC
Space Alien Death Matches and I will have this TRULY WRETCHED wad of
Wrestlecana to serve up. I'll also have EVERY match the Leprachaun
ever wrestled. I'm stoked. The vcr is revved up and ready to go.
WOO-HOO!
The main event was really good up to the "exciting" run-ins at the
end.
Duncum/Enos vs Meng/Barbarian started well with the swanky plancha by
Duncum but degenerated quickly into A Lot Of Killing Of Time Until The
Mounties Show Up. YEESH! This wasn't good. I believe this is...
Failed MENG Push... oh golly lemme count here... NUMBER FOUR?!?! WCW
has a sparkling shitheadedness of persistence when it comes to bad ideas
executed horribly. This match had about four examples running together:
(1) MENG push, (2) half-assed tag tourney, (3) burying of Duncum and
Enos as a tag team, (4) NWO with tazer in tow ruining other parts of the
card as opposed to their own stomach-churning main events. It's like a
Bizzarro World All Japan tag match.
HEY! WRATH is leaving! ALLRIGHT! He gets to be Ollie's source of
fecal-based jokes from now on. Thank GOD! This match would have worked
if DI would have won with an Iron Claw or maybe a heartpunch- I dunno-
ANYTHING to make up for the hideous Wrath push of the last couple of
months. Fuck a screwjob, you dipshits, BURY THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.
