Nothing too deep this- since this was no HORRIBLE wrestling this week (what with no Piper or anything) but nothing too compelling since the only cruiserweights were coupled with two of the more pedestrian wrestlers in the WCW. Hey, it'll be short so I can gear up for more reviews for the massive Death Valley Driver Video Review this Friday.

BamBam Bigelow and Van Hammer had a ponderous but perfectly fine match. Hammer- who wasn't afraid to get the shit kicked out of himself at a Christmas party by the GODlike Steve Regal because the Maryland native was talking smack about luchadores- FEARLESSLY steals a couple bumps from Psicosis. This was long and BamBam is North America's best big man and he carried the match along at a lumbering pace but it never got tedious, made Hammer look good, put a couple minor peaks and valleys in this baby and then finally hit his finisher correctly so that it looked half as good as when Mr Gannesuke hits it.

I'VE GOT IT! Booker T and Stevie Ray AREN'T brothers. Y'see, did ya ever notice that ANY time Booker T is in the ring with a Canadian, it almost ALWAYS GOOD? THE REASON: Booker T is actually the bastard son of... LARRY CAMERON!! The WHOLE STAMPEDE CONNECTION MAKES SENSE NOW! WHY HASN'T ANYONE NOTICED BEFORE!?! RIGHT?!? RIGHT!?!? Oh wait... Anyway, this match really fucking rocked. Bret Hart throws everything and the kitchen sink at this baby- which he can do because he is SO FUCKING GREAT. He busts up Booker T's leg for most of the match and Booker T- without even blinking- completely forgets about it after his REVITALIZING Bugaloo Shrimp Homage- so you can't have everything. Bret Hart brings Booker T along to a really cool match anyway. This made me think about WHAT IF...?? What if Booker T hadn't wasted all of the early and mid-nineties carrying his loadlike brother? You realize that he would be as big as Sting ever got if pushed correctly- since he is a more physically impressive and better wrestling version of Sting. Both are (or "were" in regards to Mr Borden) thoroughly carryable by a great wrestler, doesn't hurt you against good wrestlers and doesn't lose his heat stinking it up with bad wrestlers. WHAT IF Bret Hart wasn't getting so jerked around by the fly-by-night booking committees? If both of these FANTASY criteria are met, this would be your Superbrawl Main Event in a different world. Either way, Bret The Hitman Hart puts the Up-and-Comer over clean as a motherfucking sheet and makes him look strong as all hell in the process. BRET HART RULES THE MOTHERFUCKING EARTH.

Kaz Hayashi- comical outfit and all- tries to pull something out of USA boy Disco Inferno and dumbs it down enough to make it work by going all highflying on Wolfpak boy. I see that Kaz is gonna be jobbing as much Kidman did when he came in. Or maybe he's gonna be jobbing as much as Ciclope did when he came in. It could go either way. At least you got the cool outfit.

Okay, I'm losing my MIND. Scott Steiner- HGH chug-a-lug master and all-around shitty wrestler- made me laugh uncontrollably AGAIN. Maybe the term "big booty daddy" is just too AMAZINGLY stupid to resist. His match with Goldberg would have been WAAAAY in this side of the ledger if the ending wasn't so totally pussed-out, because the body of the match was fucking STIFF AS SHIT. Steiner and Goldberg should feud and have long matches and have clean endings and crap because the first four minutes were really cool. That could save the remainder of Steiner's wasted career.

HEY! Benoit and Malenko strangle Hennig and Windham with belts as they try to give this angle some legs in the endless attempt to use Benoit (and Malenko) to make people give a shit about wrestlers they REALLY couldn't give two hoots about. I see that they are gonna do a whole "Hennig and Windham are askeert of Benoit and Malenko" angle for a while. That's fine. That's traditional Southern booking. But they need to get the belt on the Horsemen already because there is a whole lot more you can do with those two- as I make the first preposterous understatement of 1999.

Big Leslie the Ratings Killer puts Misterio over CLEAN AS A SHEET?!?! That's pretty balls-out. This goes along with my long standing position that I brought forth when Juventud was gonna lose his mask- Bischoff is gonna push you so hard afterwards that it will appear that the reason you are so suddenly over is because YOU LOST THE MASK. Notice Juventud post-mask. Notice Rey Misterio Jr pinning the biggest heel in the company clean as a sheet. I like Rey and Juventud any way I can get them so if that's what it takes to push a 160 pound Luchadore, then that's the way of the world, I guess. I dunno. Juventud is better off now than when he had his mask and I don't think anyone can deny it- though all of it was because of the work in the ring after his concession push for dropping the mask. If they are gonna look out for Rey like the say they will, I got no beef with it. Rey is gonna make his REAL money in the US- as will Juventud- so they should look out for that end first. Rey DOES look like a seven year old on steroids, with tattoos though. And Juventud looks just like a girl- so there we have it. And Rey made a Nash match good for once.

Bryan Adams does a perfect David Putty impersonation in the stupid nWo Devastion Incorporated "I'm the leader of the Black and White" skits and that was pretty great- and this is ALL residual from Adams working nine feet over his head on Thunder last week- so consider this the make-up call. This is Adam's best week ever. You'll be hopping that line soon enough.

Ricky Raktman?!? WHAT THE FUDGE?!? Where's he been all during the nineties? This will only work if he also introduces a couple a Kreator video. And maybe some Merciful Fate. And some old Celtic Frost. With Tom G Warrior singing. With the death grunts and everything. INTO CRYPT OF RAYS!

Scott Norton beat the holy shit out of the Shat a few weeks ago and it didn't make the worked column out of disgust with Norton no-selling EVERYTHING to Yuji Nagata at the Tokyo Dome. This week he DOESN'T beat the shit out of the Shat and so I'm thoroughly amazed at how useless this is.

The Buff and Steiner workout video must have worked like a motherfucker for my good friend who watches the gameshow channel in Virginia Beach- you know who you are.:) (Hell, he may have DIRECTED it.):p I thought it was stupid because it wasn't actually ... wrestling.

Hey, the Nitro Girls do one of them Cinemax After Dark movies or something. Welcome to WCW's World Of Poontang. Time-Warner takes a stab at the burgeoning Self-Love and Personal-Grasping enthusiasts market. Godspeed- they will be jacked to the moon.

The skit at the end was too long, not funny, insulting, not going to lead to ANY good wrestling and is going to facilitate a million more horrible hackneyed screwjobs. And Schneider gets all the fucking cool ass Cruiserweight matches Thursday and I get doodly.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN

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