The Monday Nitro Workrate Report
A weekly look at what did and didn't work on Monday Nitro by Dean Rasmussen
Monday, March 1st, 1999
Sorry I'm late! You know the drill- DVDVR, family, rock stuff, Super 8
recovery time, and- the MAIN thing is that I've tried to avoid watching
or thinking about wrestling since last weekend because Pogo Pete gave me
18 hours of sweeeet loooochaaaaaa and I'm gonna watch ALL 18 MOTHA
FULKIN HOURS this weekend for the Death Valley Driver and I wanna be
fresh (and def and stuff) when I get to viewin!- so that's my whiny
excuses. I shan't speak of them again. Nitro fuckin Ruled in places.
Other parts sucked. WOO-HOO!
What Worked
HEY! Bret Hart and Chris Benoit have fifteens minutes of WHOMP ASS
wrestling as they give away a match that I would have actually paid them
thirty bucks to see (WCW is the biggest bunch of idiots on earth. Thank
GOD.) This was CHOICE. I loved the Bret Hart Dangerous Backdrop. I can
see it now:
BENOIT: Hey, Bret, your hockey team really sucks, eh.
HART: Take off, ya knob. (Dangerous Backdrop)
BENOIT: Aw man, you suck. Take off, eh.
(THEY'RE CANADIAN! GET IT! LIKE BOB AND DOUG MCKENZIE!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God, I kill me... )
I loved how it started with Benoit jockeying for a chance to chop the
fuck out of Hart and then Hart- because he is a fucking MAN and GREAT
FUCKING WRESTLING- takes a Benoit right directly in the face, in one of
the more beautiful barely pulled punches in our sport. Hart is getting
so Kingsized at going back into the histroy of US wrestling as you
notice his liberal sprinkling of all the Classic US Finishers- so notice
that suddenly NOONE does a DDT, A FRICKING MEMPHIS PILEDRIVER, or the
Figure Four Leglock more effectively than Bret The Hitman Hart. This
must be a homage to all of his favorite heels from his youth because
notice how masterfully he sets each up, because- as opposed to ECW and
most of your garbage matches in Japan- these are STILL finishers in a
Bret Hart match as opposed to something you do because you don't know
any other moves. They are truly devastating (especially that TRES BOSS
Piledriver) but the psychology employed allows the kick out or the rope
save credibly. Benoit is less adept at psychology than Bret Hart (well,
EVERYBODY in North America and Most Of Japan are less adept at
psychoology than Hart) but he is such a deep well of moves to counter of
off, Benoit is the wall of intensity to control and mold in the match
and Benoit is such a perfect fit for Great Bret Hart that any time these
two clash it's magic. The fact that the match was really just a conduit
for the Hennig/Windham vs Benoit/Malenko angle makes the FAT ASS bump as
they both hit the floor that much more impressive. THIS is how two MEN
wrestle. Go in there and act you like a got a pair. And they did. And
it rocked. Best of SEVEN ALREADY.
Billy Kidman benefits from being in the same company with some of the
best Cruiserweights that ever lived as, this time, Psicosis takes the
ever-impressive and bumpilicious Kidman by the hand and takes him to the
land of First Hand Lucha- showing young Billy where all that second
stuff (that he's becoming so adept at approximating) comes from. Billy
bumps like a freak but Psicosis is the REAL SUPERFREAK of bumps and he
shows Kidman all about the bump called the Modified
Knee-launching-me-off-the-back Backdrop Violencia Bump Over the
Ringpost. "Hello, little Gringo boy. I started doing this bump back when
you still in shortpants." Billy Kidman shows the benefit of keeping an
eye on the US indies as he does the Jeff Hardy OMEGA Backdrop Into A
Headstand On The Apron Into A DDT spot that was almost half as good as
the OMEGA master (worry when he tries to match the JEFF Hardy bumps).
Kidman also whipped out a cool as hell Old School Plancha as a sort of
irony in that Psicosis in the master of the twisting, turning New School
Plancha. Minutae aside, the match developed well into the big American
Cruiserweight Ending as they did a whole bunch of cool counters out of a
bunch of cool finishers so I was digging all this. WCW continues to be
my buddy and pal by giving this 12 minutes of airtime (I guess 15
overall). More of these two would be REAL good. Psicosis winning a
fucking belt would be yet still even cooler.
I don't like Rey the Heavyweight for the reasons showed in this very
match versus BamBam Bigelow. BamBam sells like he should against a guy
ONE THIRD his size and I can't buy the outcome. It isn't like Rey is
Royce Gracie or something and has displayed some kind of offence that
looks credible against a super heavyweight- so the fact that he beats
BamBam with a Victory Roll ain't flying anymore than Rey beating Nash by
hitting him in the face a couple of times. I dunno. I didn't like the
Spike Dudley matches either for the same reasons. This matched worked
though from the work in the ring- in that Rey sold a giant ass-kicking
really well and BamBam tried like a motherfucker to make Rey look
credible while still retaining some kind of credibitity himself so I got
to put it up here in the winners column. I hope Rey starts wrestling
Cruiserweights again because this ain't the best utilization of his
talents- and it ain't gonna get any better than BamBam Bigelow in the
legit Heavyweight department unless he wants to go in with the
heavylifters and would- sooner or later- hafta wrestle Benoit or Finlay
and Rey will REALLY take an ass-kicking in those babies.
GOLLY! The Main Event was pretty fricking GOOD if you throw out Rick
shithead Steiner trying to do the same sloppy move that paralyzed BUFF-
on the SAME person. What a fucking shit for brains. Steiner is a fucking
shithead and BUFF should have ripped his fucking arm off for trying that
move again on ANYONE. That aside, GOLLY! ain't it good to see BUFF back
in the ring! BPP looked inspired and Goldberg looked good and they gave
this 12 minutes. Goldberg and Steiner and Steiner and BUFF in the
Supergrade Tag League would save the living hell out of the New Japan
deal because this was about as New Japan as you can get on these fair
shores and would look good going up against Tenzan and Kojima. Both of
these teams looked good in the Money Match of the night. Steiner vs
Goldberg and Goldberg vs BUFF is looking like the bizarre hot
prospective matches of 1999. Go figure.
What Didn't Work
I really wanted to like Hugh Morris. He started well. He came out of
W*ING as Crash the Terminator, was all hardcore and shit, was agile and
big. He sucks though. He REALLY needs more than the spotty work of
Perry Saturn to carry him to a good match. I guess they thought that
since Psicosis carried the load called Hugh Morris to a good match a few
weeks back, maybe Saturn would have enough diminishing returns if he
wrestled the same match as Psicosis that maybe it would be enough to
make it watchable. Nope. Saturn couldn't suplex the hell out of him
effectively, couldn't kick him hard enough to muster any interest, the
dress wasn't generating anything- so it all fell on the feeble shoulders
of Morris. Morris runs out of offense five minutes in, goes to his
shitty and thoroughly bush league heel offense for a few minutes, and
finally does a reverse chinlock for five minutes to kill whatever
interest anyone could possibly have in this turd. The screwjob finishes
it off. Yes, we have achieved TRUE SUCK-ASS WRESTLING. Morris is the
first victim of the de-NitroMatchization of the WCW and anything past
three minutes exposes Hugh Morris as the horrendously limited wrestler
that he is. Best get him some kind of tag team partner and cut your
losses there, ya chowderheads.
I'm all for loving the Jerry Flynn push. He's a good little worker
with a couple of neato moves. He ain't Chris Benoit and I think only
Benoit, Guerrerro, Finlay or Hart could make a Shat match anything but
vomit-inducing. Ernest Miller sucks. This match sucks. The fact that
the Shat is going to be on PPV again sucks. Suck.
Steiner's grace period on THE STICK ends at two weeks. The
de-filthing of WCW has left us with Big Poppa Punk the useless shithead
again. So long Big Bad Booty Daddy. Hello Phat-Ass Dean's Stinky
Little Outhouse.
The big Flair announcement would have meant something if a.) both guys
weren't so amazingly washed up, b.) a cage match actually stopped a
screwjob ending anymore, c.) they unleashed the blade. C might happen,
but they don't come close to making up for the other two so I'm still on
the ordering fence. Lemme see what the Cruiserweight match is gonna be
and I'll get back to you.
Did they prop up the festering remains of Hogan on this one? I can't
remember.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
