This report has a literary supplement for the NITRO WORKRATE REPORT for 4/14/98, so grab a cup of Joe, tune in, turn on and drop out, and groove to the moment as I review the Big Loser show this week.

Chris Benoit vs Glacier by Flannery O'Conner

As the man who was only known as the Crippler and his cousin Dean Malenko, pulled the car to the side of the deserted Georgia road, Glacier broke into tears. The Crippler and his cousin were unfazed as they opened the door and forced the Cat and Wrath out of the car. Glacier was the last out and he was visibly shaken and starting to panic.

"Deanie, you take them there other Blood Run Cold fellas over to that clearing over yonder. Show'em their reward for getting them pushes that we never got."

"Okay, Crippler. I'll take goood care of em. What about funnypants heah?"

"Oh, I got mah own plans for him. I'm a treat him all special-like."

The rest of BRC dully walk off with the Man of a Thousand Holds and- a few minutes later- the sound of Wrath's knee cartilage snapping is heard in the distance.

"CRIPPLER! CRIPPLER! YOU AIN'T LIKE THEY SAY YOU ARE! YOU'RE A KIND MAN! A GOOD MAN!"

"There ain't nothin' worth doing in this life if it ain't about beating the hell out of someone or causing them grief or suplexing them on their heads until they cain't walk no more or some other act of hatefulness and meanness."

"I KNOW YOU, CRIPPLER! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! YOU'RE MY BROTHER WHO AH LOVE SO DEARLY! AH CAN"T BELIEVE I DIDN'T SEE IT UNTIL NOW!"

"People just ain't no good, they don't try, they don't work, they don't take bumps- it's all interview, posin', stinkin' politics..."

The sound of the Cat's neck fusing with his spinal column is heard in the distance but they are drowned out by Glaciers voice.

"CRIPPLER! MY BROTHER! COME TO ME NOW AND TELL ME HOW WE ARE OF A KINDRED SPIRIT! WE SHARE A TITHE THAT BINDS US! YOU'RE NOT LIKE THEY SAY! YOU'RE A KIND DECENT MAN!"

Crippler takes Glacier and puts him in the Crippler Crossface and the last sound Glacier hears is his own veterbrae shattering. At rest, a glow and vibrancy shines off his still face as the light of dawn captures the look of total peace in Glacier's visage.

Cousin Malenko comes back, wringing the tape that is around his wrists- a nervous tick that Crippler had gotten used to. "Crippler, he sure was looking good before you went and finished him off. Hell, I saw him squash Lizmark Jr in 30 seconds. I figured he was booked to always suck."

"Well, he'd always look that good if someone was Crippling him everyday of his life."

And they got back into the car.

LaParka vs Booker T was pretty good. La Parka was wearing the Yellow and Black and wasn't afriad to get all rough and rudo with Booker T. WCW- being the clueless morons that they are- totally botched anything that they could have had with LaParka because they were too shit-headed to push LaParka while he was getting himself over but instead chose to kill him off. The fact that he works really well with Booker T in this match- and would have been a really good addition to this division as a challenger, to create good matches with some heat to make the division seem to have some depth- further emphasizes what a bunch of clueless gonads run this company, because here it comes off as yet another fucking Luchadore squash. As they kill off Fit Finlay, think of the same concept.

Ultimo Dragon vs Lenny Lane by Gertrude Stein,

Ultimo Ultimo Ultimo Ultimo- raucous in your Shiny Gold Shiny Gold Shiny Shiny Shiny Gold Gold Shiny Gold mask, swirling swirling swirling down as you Hurri Hurry Hurri Hoorah Hurricanrana Lane Lenny Lane head over heels over heels over heels. Dragon- your match was quite okay.

There once was a young man from El Paso,
Who jobbed to a talentless fatso,
So they killed all his heat,
With this crappy defeat,
Cuz they book with their heads up of their asshole.

Saturn vs Hammer. Golly, who gives a shit?

Scott Steiner vs Fit Finley By J.D. Salinger

SO I was putting that corny roid freak over- the crappy musclehead goon that takes so many steroids that he couldn't give a girl the time even if he wanted to. I was wearin my cool green and black trunks that my brother sent and thought it looked really slick. I topped it off by dyeing my hair platinum blond because it looks all different, you know. I mean, I'm just kinda goofing off here in the US- I mean it's not like there's a Franz Shumann or even that Regal guy around to have a REAL match like I'm used to back home, so I thought I should have some fun with it, you know? So- of course- that big roided out stiff gets all sore because he thinks I'm stealing his gimmick- like he isn't stealing it from five other stiffs I could name- and gets all like he isn't gonna give me anything and he's gonna not sell any of my wrestling moves and everything. I dunno, I'm think that maybe by him not giving me anything, it makes him feel all sexy or something. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's not like a couldn't break his arm and his leg without even trying- I mean I was getting the hell beat out of me by Frank Gotch back when he was still figuring out which end of the syringe goes into his big fat ass, so I guess he knew that I wasn't gonna do nothing- or maybe he's really stupid. He's just lucky that I just don't care all that much about what they do with me here. I mean, I've done my time, there's no use making a stand in front of these fans. They don't care what you've done or if you do something really slick and different or if you can really stretch a guy if you wanted to or anything. I mean, Regal went off his nut because that other roid freak tried the same thing with him and he wasn't standing for it. I guess it worked out for him and all in the end since it sounds like they're gonna be making him a big deal and all, but I'm too old to get much if I got run off by the weasels here and they are the same type of fans up there, so, I mean, it's like it's not that big of a deal to me, really.

Diamond Dallas Page vs Rage. Hey! I guess they aren't gonna push High Dosage, despite my needs for more steroid jokes. This match sucked as DDP is really making it clear that he is gonna shoot for the Hennig-level post-Benoit matches tailspin into total Grampamailingitindom.

A haiku about Curt Hennig vs Yuji Nagata.

Yuji suplexes like a man,
Exploder TOOO SWANK!
My God! Does Curt Hennig stink!

Sting vs Kevin Nash. HEY! This lost to Vince Trying To Pass Himself Off As A Badass. Time to bring back that Black Scorpion Gimmick. Looks like these two were .37 of a rating point's worth of asses in the seats off. Boy! That Nash! What a worker! LOOK! A RUN-IN! What a bunch of no-working geriatric losers. I can't believe this crap was selling for as long as it has been.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN.

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