Golly, that Nitro wasn't afraid to suck. IN A TOWN CALLED ATLANTA, THERE WAS A VIRUS that killed off all the smarter chimps in the WCW booking room. The more cretinous chimps that were left basically crapped in their hands and threw it at the booking sheet and there you go. I hate it when wrestling thoroughly sucks on Monday. I mean CRAP! WCWSN sucked it raw this week, Thunder was spotty and all coming off the super swank Nitro last week coming off the super swank PPV. Is it too much to ask of the most talented roster in the world with seven hours of TV time to actually come up with seven or eight matches a week that are rewatchable? I like to look forward to watching a couple a matches a few times again and this week will be lucky if I don't throw the fulking tape against the wall. It's weird. Ever since Eddy, Benoit and Malenko came to WCW (along with their stints in ECW just prior to that), I have found myself WAAAAAY more into US wrestling than I've EVER been. I guess it was because they came to WCW right after I started getting metric tons of tapes of international stuff off the internet. I mean, I ADORE Japanese and Mexican wrestling and will gladly watch hour upon hour of tapes of Puroresu and Lucha Libre (as we dorks call it- though both terms translate to "professional wrestling"), but I dig the fact that there is quality cutting-edge ringwork in the US and just tend to get into it more, for whatever reason. Maybe there is a need to identify with the wrestling of your culture or something. Either way, US wrestling is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better now than before the influx of Eddy, Benoit and Malenko into WCW and I credit them for opening the floodgates for a zillion (mostly-misused) workers that I actually want to see wrestling. That's why I watch. And that's why this week's Nitro smoked a hog till the money shot.

Booker T and MENG worked like a MOFO because WCW LOVES ROMANCE! I'm always MORE than willing to throw money DIRECTLY into Eric Bischoff's pocket to help him buy eye-liner and hair mousse- via thirty bucks a month for PPV. I ACTUALLY challenge Bischoff to find enough combinations to NOT make me get a PPV. The only time he has failed miserably was the last PPV where ther was just TOO much talent involved for he and his amazingly high booking committee to screw up. By having this match, they set-up HACKSAW RICK THE ANVIL STEINER vs Booker T for the PAY PER VIEW,and THUS! Eric has answered the challenge and succeeded his own suck-ass expectations. I get to spend May 9th with my beautiful and lovely wife, and you- the gentle reader- also get the night off from watching exciting WCW action on PPV and can instead take the one you love (or whatever) out someplace nice. Well, I guess for a lot of you, thirty bucks will buy a lot emolients and lubricants to accompany your favorite Christina Applegate poster. Or Rick Springfield poster. Or I don't know. Or I don't wanna know.

To hell with Big Sexy the Bookerman, RAVEN is the only guy there who understands how to book wrestling. A handicap match where the non-handicapped contingent WINS! That's positively GAEA-esque. If this was anything but WCW, I'd say that the Armstrongs were being elevated to fourth team status and I'd be ALL OVER THAT. Steve Armstrong ruled it hard again.

Rey Misterio Jr vs Psicosis should have worked for a lot reasons. I got no beef with Rey getting the belt back if he drops it to Juventud next week and then Kidman takes it from Juvie and then Psic gets it back from Kidman within the next month- as it would show that WCW isn't just hot-shotting EVERYTHING in a vain attempt to combat a non-wrestling show (RAW) with a wrestling show (NITRO)- but was actually trying to replicate what got UD, Eddy, Rey and Juventud over as a core of the Cruiserweight division back before Jericho "Unified Belt"-ed the hell out of the division- parity hamfistedly played out as four guys switched the belt four times in four weeks. So it's too early to get all pissed off at the Luger-esque title run. There were a couple of points about the match itself that sucked: it was ridiculously too RAW-like in it's preposterously short length to be legit title change; they put this on directly after the Rube Heaven DDP vs Sting match so all of Fargo opted to listen to all that Magnum Malt Liquor collectively coursing through them and turn on the little Mexicans; the Horseman screwjob was waiting right there as they decide to cross-fuck the booking by keeping the ending clean while setting the mood for a totally angled ending thus making Psicosis look even weaker. Either way, there was enough actual wrestling in this match to get it past the What Worked Mendoza Line. THE ACTUAL REASON this didn't work was that this was going to be the FIRST time I could actually do a Psicosis Title Watch. I did one for the Finlay TV Title Run and the First Juventud Cruiserweight Run and was stoked that I actually had a web-site now where I could do a whole hypertext cybergallery extrazaganza. I had a logo in my head! I had chunks of "memory" cleared out in my "harddrive"! "MP3" and "RealAudio Files" of the three counts!! "SHOCKWAVE"! IT WAS GONNA ROCK! GOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDaMMMITTTTTTALL! WCW, you've RUINED EVERYTHING! It was going to MAKE me! Goddamitaltohelllllllllllllllllllllllllll!

His week of grace is over. We may now verbally assault Bryan Knobbs with all the venom we can muster. Sandman tried to bump enough to make Knobbs look like less than a total load of shit but you can't fight Knobbs' TRUE SHIT ESSENCE. He is the living embodiment of Shittiness. Foghat Boy was noticing that everyone was trying to throw chairs at Knobbs' fat bloated head in a tribute to Scott Hall throwing chairs at said shithead and his feculent partner way back in the day. Poor Mikey. Fuck Bryan Knobbs. He stinks like the poo that he is. The other question is WHY? Bryan Knobbs adds four coats of shit to the hardcore division and the hideous motherfucker won't even bump! God. Sign Balls Mahoney, he'll at least bump. Knobbs is a fucking Axel Rotten and IAN Rotten WANNABE. Did WCW say, "We need a REAL fat guy to fill in for Hugh Morris in the hardcore division- but somebody CHEAP because we have to sign Sid Eudy to fill in for Wrath!" ? Was One Man Gang unavailable? King Kong Bundy too pricy? Big Slam Vader got his phone off the hook? Instead we get the giant step down to Knobbs. Take a bump, you load of crap.

ADDED EXTRA: I was noticing that even with HORRENDOUSLY USELESS SHITTY tagteams like the Nasty Boys, there is always one member who is the "worker" of the two. Foghat Midnite Choker Boy- Schneider, my pal King of Danger- Cliff and I compiled a list and actually had a few heated arguments about the results. Yeah, that IS pretty pathetic.

AMAZINGLY SHITTY TAGTEAM: WORKER OF THE TWO
-------------------------------------------
POWERS OF PAIN: BARBARIAN
NATURAL DISASTERS: JOHN TENTA (1)
LEGION OF DOOM: Animal (2)
JURRASIC POWERS: NORTON
The BOLSHEVIKS: Nikolai Volkoff
The RUSSIANS: IVAN KOLOFF (3)
FIREBREAKER CHIP/TODD CHAMPION: Firebreaker Chip
DEMOLITION: Axe
TWIN TOWERS: Big Bossman (4)
Moondogs: SPOT (5)
PITBULLS: II
The DREAM TEAM: Haku
BRUISE BROS: RON! or maybe DON! Whoever has the funny boobies.
MEN ON A MISSION: MOE.(6)
MASTER BLASTERS: Al Green.
NASTY BOYS: Jerry Saggs.

(1) FHMNCBoy was CONVINCED that TYPHOON was the worker of the too. It's obvious that Tenta was a MUCH smaller ten pounds of shit in a much smaller five pound bag.
(2) Animal's propensity to totally no-sell is eclipsed by the load that is Hawk's propensity to no-sell.
(3) I'll go to the mat saying that Ivan Koloff was actually a good worker until the end there. The Swirling Hurricane Of Suck that was Nikita made them suck to such notable proportions (and Ivan was no Dan Spivey to keep them off the list like Dan did for the Skyscrapers.)
(4) FHMNCBoy still contends that Traylor is still a viable heavyweight. The cretin.
(5) KODCliff stands by the assertion that the REAL worker was the third Moondog- KING. I say all pale to the original- Moondog Mf'n MAYNE. (6) Moonsault. Great Hair.
(7) KODCLiff was lobbying hard for Greg Gagne and Jim Brunzell, but Greg Gagne was too comically ineptly entertaining to suck. He was like an Amway salesman or something.

Bam Bam Bigelow and Erik Watts have a match that was basically a line of toilet paper on the heel of the shoe of wrestling. Defenders and apologists of both sides weep deeply into the night.

Konan and Bryan Adams actually didn't stinnnnnnnk up the joint like they are wont to do. Adams was using all of his powermoves effectively and Konan did a neato lucha roll-up. AND THEN... The NWO Black and White came in and stinkiness aboundeded... aboundedededed... permeated.

Is Piper the most annoying, clueless, unfunny old fart alive- or is it just me? Patch Adams?

Cretin Monkee in Booking Room throws monkey poo at booking sheet! Seems to spell out- "Have match with WILDLY resurgent Scott Steiner and WAY over Macho Man!" Second bundle of Monkey Poo hits sheet! Seems to say- "WAIT! Fuck the fans! Do evil ref angle instead!" DIE MONKEY DIE!

Flair is CRAZY! My remote is CRAZY! IT JUST WON'T FAST FORWARD PAST THIS CRAP FAST ENOUGH!!

Hey! Hot gavel to gavel coverage of Orange Load Hogan's knee surgery! Unless they show footage of them removing his leg and grinding it into Alpo so he will never darkens my goddam TV set again, I could really give a crap.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.
http://mh106.infi.net/~dhracr/death.htm

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