The Monday Nitro Workrate Report
A weekly look at what did and didn't work on Monday Nitro by Dean Rasmussen
Monday, May 3rd, 1999
BOY! That wasn't so good.
What Worked
Of the three morthor Fargklin hours of Nitro, EXACTLY 8 minutes and 43
seconds worked. FIRST, Scott Armstrong gets on THE STICK! and RAISES
actual HEEL HEAT! from the win over Raven and SUDDENLY the Armstrongs
are PLAYAZ! in the tag league! The Armstrongs make up for any Villanos
or Silver King or Damien not being on this shitty Nitro by doing a
fairto GREAT rudo impersonation- making the flashy technicos look
flashier and adding the meat to the match- which the our boys the
Armstrongs did in spades actually. Steve Armstrong once again rules the
motherfucking world- selling the Lucha Lite and making his own nasty
heel beatdown tactics look credible enough to make the face in peril
look really in peril. Kidman decides to make up for Psicosis not being
on this shitty Nitro by taking the INSANE bump after being whipped into
the ropes. The double team moves get all good and goofy and- if you
miked the ring- you could hear Billy Kidman the whole match saying.
"psst! Hey Steve! Betcha can't powerbomb me! Big sissy can't powerbomb
the little cruiserweight! Betcha can't powerbomb me!" MEANWHILE, Steve
says, "That's alls I can stands-guh, I caint' stands-guh no more!" and
gets suckered into the most move-specific counter on earth. After Steve
sells the toprope Hurricanrana like he's been there and the Armstrongs
don't get the motherfucking belts as lil Rey gets the pin, the Horsemen
run in for one of the most SWANK of the many SWANK beatdowns they have
pulled off as of late. Malenko is fucking on FIRE now. The spitting,
the four fingers, the insane taunting- now THAT'S FOUR MOTHERFUCKING
HORSEMEN, buckos. Malenko has become a great heel and has done it in
true Horsemen fashion by assimilating the methodical dissection of the
opponent that Arn and Tully perfected. The motherfuckers who run the
slab of shit called Nitro pull away before we can see Benoit talking
shit to the Cloverleafed Raven. The motherfuckers. This was REALLY
GREAT from 0:00 to 8:43. Then it all blew goats, so THUS ENDS CIVIL
ANALYSIS.
What Didn't Work
I'm not ready to bail on the still returning BUFF~! (remember how long
it took Rey to adjust to his new physical limitations, make neccessary
adjustments and get back to form), but it is the CAT so all I can do is
quote Dean Wormer when I say, "Stalling, Posing, and Getting cheap heat
is no way to go through a wrestling match, son." This was SO a
Worldwide Exclusive with Kendall Windham and Barry Darsow. I felt
massive indifference when I should be feeling the THRILL of KAZ vs
Ciclope or something. Thanks for nothing, WCW shitheads.
Hak and Bamm Bamm figured out that the only reason they were on this
Nitro was to try to get slimy sack of shit- Brian "the Living Colostomy
Bag" Knobbs- over. Hak says, "fuck that shit" and opts for lowgrade
bumps while killing time until the fecal "runs"-in by King of
ShittySensation, Take a Trip to ShittyCity Brian Knobbs. Bamm Bamm says
to Hak, "Yeah, fuck that asshole. He wouldn't bump for YOU" and opts to
take some weak chair and garbage can shots. Bamm Bamm says to
Hak,"Jiminy! I'm gonna have to over put that festering cinch-sak of
shit, so to hell with stacking the tables up, just puttem side-by-side
and save yourself for a real match." Knobbs finally squirts out of the
Nitro Set like the morning after eating some bad mayonnaise and seals
this Exercise-in-Big-Two-Hardcore's fate as a simple fecaphilic exercise
in blowing hideous fecal spray on my TV screen. And Tony Schiavone
isn't a very good announcer either (My favorite line was, "And those
punches don't really hurt as much as they look and- y'know- the finishes
to these matches, fans, are predetermined! Greatest Nitro EVER!").
Konan gears up to take on the nWo Black and White WITH THE HELP OF BIG
SEXY! WOW! Konan gears up to take on the nWo Black and White WITH THE
HELP OF BIG SEXY! MAAAAAN! Konan gears up to take on the nWo Black and
White WITH THE HELP OF BIG SEXY! COOL, Brah! Konan gears up to take on
the nWo Black and White WITH THE HELP OF BIG SEXY! DUDE!
Ric Flair tries to see if Gorgeous George is REALLY gonna give him a
run for the money for The Biggest Boobies On Nitro as he gets the Flesh
Twinkee Squeezers at home to become instantly SPENT by Flair knocking
her top partially off. WOO-HOO! BOOBIES! WOO-HOO! FLAIR'S CRAZY!
BOOBIES! The Flair vs DDP match was actually pretty good up to the
crappy "throwing of the sweatband to DDP" by Grampa Macho Man. I guess
I'm being hard on this match because it's actually the whole cool DDP
schickt of "not being worthy of the title" and all but a screwjob is a
screwjob. Actually, I guess I just wanted to use the flesh twinkee
joke.
Curt Hennig ain't Canadian but he was gathering a little steam in his
Booker T match, so this was beginning to look like something. And then
phenomenal twin loads of crap- Rick the Big Show Steiner and Stevie the
Anvil Ray- crush the match with an UNSTOPPABLE AVALANCHE of POO. I
haven't even thought about the idea of anyone getting this PPV anymore.
At least David Flair didn't go over MENG. HEY! Nitro hits an all-time
low when I applaud the protection of MENG's credibility. This wasn't the
worst two hours, fifty-one minutes, seven seconds of Nitro ever- but
this is getting close.
Piper stinks up the TV and forces Flair to go through his greatest
embarrassment- forced shilling of Piper's shitty new T-Shirt. Flair has
had some of the greatest matches in the history of man. Piper's
greatest matches can be counted on ONE FINGER and THAT match had a lot
to do the Greg the motherfucking HAMMER Valentine bleeding from his
ear. This sucks. Piper sucks. Suck.
No Psicosis, no Juventud, no Blitzkrieg, no cruiserweight matches, no
Benoit/Malenko match, no Fit Finlay. Go fuck yourself, WCW.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.
http://mh106.infi.net/~dhracr/death.htm
