The Monday Nitro Workrate Report
A weekly look at what did and didn't work on Monday Nitro by Dean Rasmussen
Monday, June 28th, 1999
Hiya! I've been on pre-paternity leave from the OllieWorld of WHIP ASS
WORKRATE REVIEWS so I could effectively fret and worry every waking hour
until the little punkin hops out- so if you can't bear with me then YOU
CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL! Oh... sorry! I'm a little tense.
What Worked
Well Holy FUCK! Someone has decided to a.) bring back STEVEN
MOTHERFUCKING REGAL and b.) have him tag with Fit Motherfucking Finlay.
Well THIS fucking rules and works and kicks ass 43 ways to Sunday. Then
someone at WCW figured out that the only one who could do justice to
their debut match and handle this fucking mountain of stiffness would be
Chris Benoit- since they can't bring in Diasuke Ikeda and Vader has
legit heat in the back or some crap like that. This match was fucking
great as Regal takes Saturn dangerous moves like a MAN and takes them in
a way to make them look actually dangerous- especially the Exploider
where he fucks with the clearance over the top as he's going over and
shows you how close this move is to jamming your neck in an impossible
direction. Finlay rules the fucking world by taking a straight right in
the fucking face by Benoit LIKE A KING. Saturn strikes like a pussy in
this- in one of the most inexplicable lapses into looseness in the
history of professional wrestling. I mean, it's fucking Regal and
fucking Fit Finlay- they're gonna beat the shit out of YOU, you might as
well work stiff, you freak. Is he crazy, scared or clueless? And I
guess they wanted to limit Benoit vs Regal since they ALWAYS tend to
tell WCW and Sports Entertainment In General to eat their collective
British Commonwealth-governed ass and watch as they juice each other
hardway. Benoit- for whatever reason- opts for a Locomotion Suplex that
Regal- being the fucking King of Wrestling- makes the Second Suplex look
amazingly nastier than the Intial Suplex of the Locomotion. I (and I'm
sure you the gentle reader were also) was justifiably disappointed that
they didn't bust each other open with unprotected
Yumiko-Hotta-Vs-Shinobu-Kandori-esque headbutts, but that's a quibble.
Lets get some wins for Finlay and Regal, gettem the belt and let's get a
big hellish feud going with Buff/Benoit/Malenko/Saturn and
Regal/Taylor/Finlay/Wright. Somehow, WCW has kept its tag team
situation solvent and quite watchable for quite a while now which gets
lost in the overdog kicking of the down WCW- myself included.
Malenko and Buff against DDP, Bigelow and Kanyon was pretty fricking
good. I don't dig the overly-ECWish three-on-two cheap heat stipulation
with the Triad- though it was explained and does actually make the faces
look stronger- in that three guys over two clean as a sheet, which is a
cool built-in non-screwjob. So maybe I did like it... Anyway, Who the
hell was doubting Buff? He was a monster in this, though Kanyon and DDP
were quite a good Arn and Tully Lite in this- hitting cool double team
moves and being sufficiently convincing as ass-kickers. DDP has had a
good year in the ring this year comparatively. This was good NWA 1987
booking, in that it creates heat, makes your heels look strong and
creates sympathy for the faces- which is all aspects of wrestling that
WCW has been lacking for quite a while.
The eightman had enough of a cool sequence by Windham and Adams that
this is right up here. Happy to be working and tickled to be in the
middle of a goofy weirdo redneck shoot angle, Kendall Windham and Duncum
are feeling it as they hit the double bulldog. As a man who watched 20
years of BlackJack Mulligan before he was shipped off to the hoosegow, I
have trouble seeing these cowboys- in comparison- look like anything
less than virtually Dick Murdockian in Cowboy workrate and psychology.
Yes, Gentle Reader, I have an amazingly higher tolerance level for
mediocre cowboy wrestlers than you non-Midsouth and Mid-Atlantic raised
fans. (The hierarchy of Old School Cowboy Workers- Greatness:DICK
Motherfucking MURDOCK, Bob Orton Jr.; Goodness: Cowboy Frankie Layne,
Cowboy Bob Ellis; Ungoodness: BlackJack Mulligan, Sam Houston.)
Hak bumped, Bigelow busted him up and missed a big flying headbutt.
Kinda lethargic and the ending sucked, but it's right up here. Hak
should get a push just because he seems to be connecting with the crowds
more than any of folks his dad's age are at this juncture.
What Didn't Work
The Eddy Squash was counterproductive in a couple of ways. It was a
vehicle for the "LODI and Lenny Share A Hot, Sticky, Manly Secret"
angle- which I'm all for if it's done tastefully and not just for
homophobic cheap heat- when Eddy should instead be advancing the
awesomeness-laden "LWO will fucking pay with their ASS" angle which will
produce the best matches in the US ever if played out correctly. I have
greater confidence that the "LODI hearts Lenny" angle will end up
tasteful, classy and uplifting.
Syd Vicious and Arn Anderson shake hands. WCW opts against a truly
king-sized shoot angle where there would be a possibility where Arn
Anderson will stab Sid Eudy right in the neck with a pair of scissors-
but instead they put LEGIT HEAT IN THE BACK! on hold so they can be
tazered and pummeled in one of the worst and least-watched main events
in the history of our sport.
Hey, it's a dance contest. Juventud, Rey and Kidman are not to be
found, Eddy wrestles TOO MUCH-the Revenge Of Jared-Syn!, Blitzkreig is
MIA, etc, etc. The dance contest becomes a crappy wrestling match.
NEXT WEEK: DI vs the CAT in an arm-wrestling contest for the big trophy,
the guitar, the Indian Headdress That My Father Gave Me and the cake the
Girl Scouts baked! Bulldog Brower is special referee!
Nash is just pathetic. "I'm gonna book my lousy un-over ass over
twelve guys and then I'M TAKE ALL THE LADIES!" He's YOUNG! and SEXY!
Not lousy and washed-up! REALLY! This was the worst. He's lucky
everybody was watching the Antique Roadshow and RAW en lieu. Squeeze my
pencil till the juice runs down my leg...
Hey, Van Hammer is a Cowboy fan from Maryland. Being a Cowboy fan
from my first five years in Witchita Falls and then an extended time
being stationed in Jacksonville, Arkansas (Arkansas being a giant suburb
of Texas) until I was twelve years old- I find another reason to hate
Hammer. As if...
The video for the "RAP IS CRAP" tour 1999 lacked what I look for a
good Country and Western video- mullets, line-dancing, COPS extras... oh
wait, I had a flashback to my single days living in a neighborhood in
the crappier section of South Norfolk, VA- where I was the only one on
my block with a.) a job, and b.) no washer and dryer on the front
porch. If they take the horrendous Master P out of this angle and get
the fucking belt off Rey and on Eddy, I'm all over it.
Scott Putski comments on how good Ollie's vision is and he works
equator-sized circles around you, Stinky Heap Of Dogshit Sid Vicious.
Go fuck yourself and get the fuck off my godforsaken TV, you worthless
load of shit. Polish Power Jr deserved better. Fuck you, Sid. You
suck.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.
