Hiya! This is late because Nitro sucked so much hog that it took until today to gather the fortitude to talk about it. Since it's useless just to sit here and talk about how much Nitro sucked, I figured that I'd also rate all of the children's shows available to your youngster since I think I've seen almost all of them at this point with my two year old- as a counter to the wad of negativism a reviewer will unleash while watching this Nitro crap. It'll be fun! And Informative! WCW Monday Nitro sucks dick!

The "Eddy pisses off the luchadores" angle was really great. "Stolen wallet? Idiot line-up unmasking scene? Dean", you say, "are you really high or are you just a big fat idiot?" Well, I'll have you know that I'm award winning and shit and Kelly (from Wrestling Power 99 on channel 38 here in Richmond) says her mom says I'm "porky" not fat. I wish I had made THAT up. So much for me being a sexy motherfucka. Anyway, the reason this works is because it will lead up to Eddy vs Psicosis mascara vs belt, I'm supposing. And that'll be the way to take Psic's mask and get on with rebuilding the dying Cruiserweight scene. Eddy is funny as hell because he's a great fucking wrestler and is Latino. If this was Hacksaw Jim Duggan, this would have sucked cock. They really are taking me up on my claim that you can do ANY angle if it leads to a good match and they are gonna use a preposterous angle to set up a GREAT match and I'm all over it.

West Texas Rednecks blow Megadeth off the frickin stage and the pumped in Boos can't slow the momentum of a hit so directly wired to the heart of old shithead rednecks (young shithead rednecks were listening to NWA long before they all got into assorted Billy Joels in Cowboy Hats, so this ain't getting to them). If Megadeth would have done Into The Lungs Of Hell or Peace Sells Who's Buying, I would have had nostalgic memories of metal past. Instead they played this Brian Adams song and I then truly realize how full of crap Dave Mustaine is. Yeesh! That was SO not BOMBER by Motorhead.

Ernest Miller and Jerry Flynn have a Brawl-For-All! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh GOD, WCW, stop it, you're killing me... HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And a screwy ending! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh god, I swear I've never seen shit as horrible as this! Oh man did this suck dick./ CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING REVIEW- FRANKLIN: Franklin is the adventures of a turtle and the theme song is really great (sounding like a REALLY cool folky combo of Richard Thompson and Emmylou Harris doing a dream duet) but the show is you basic PC feelgood, uninteresting situational cartoon worthy of a watered-down Smurfs episode. The theme rules though. My daughter won't watch this at all and I watched it twice and I ain't watching past the theme song ever again.

Juventud and Chavo- who should have a major role in Team Evil Eddy Kills The Luchadores Dead- have a good little match that gets the crowd all worked up. HEY! It's Shithead Sid! And MY DAD's UNCLE, RANDY SAVAGE! Grampa Savage hits his horrible, sloppy elbow on Juventud! Boy! That's garnering heat for that buyrate smashing PPV they are gonna have, boy! YEAH! HEY! WCW! EAT MY ASS! GODDAM! COULD THIS SHIT SUCK SHIT ANY MORE THAN IT IS NOW? Well, there is next week... / CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING REVIEW- ROLIE POLIE OLIE- My current fave. Olie is a bouncing robot boy who gets into low impact dilemmas that he solves with the help of his family and friends. Very charming and whimsical with a cool retro art direction which works well against the computer generated graphics- though it does get really wacky and physical at points. One of the rare children's programs that really works on both the pre-school and the parent level. I think I like this show more than my daughter does, actually. I wonder if that is good or bad.

Hey, Mid-Life Crisis Mach smacks his bitches around! Hey this is as sleazy as ECW used to be! Bischoff is so AMAZINGLY full of shit. Maybe they can throw Gorgeous George from a car next week. I'm hoping Bret Hart doesn't let his kids watch this shit either. Repulsive./ CHILDREN's PROGRAMMING REVIEW- SESAME STREET- This ain't the same Sesame Street you and I remember- they've made fifteen minutes of it "Elmo's World" which is pretty engaging for a few days until you (and your child) realize that this basically the same fifteen skits chopped up and rearranged every couple of days. The rest of the show gets smoked by the actual Attention Span Expanding nouveau children's shows like Arthur and the downright Tender Mercies-esque Low-key calmness of Little Bear. Sesame Street is out of step and this half-assed attempt to catch up isn't gonna fly in the face of such competition.

Van Hammer wrestles the longest match in the world and BOY! did it stink. Van Hammer push ends Sunday I guess- as the Wrath styled push produces an amazingly diminished return. The homosexual angle forgets to get all classy and responsible as it goes straight to fueling the fires for future fag-bashing episodes by shit-eating rednecks at the sportsbar after the matches. Maybe they can have evil Pakistanis and Blacks and we can call this White Aryan Resistance Championship Wrestling. It's OUT THERE! BEATING ON WOMEN!/ CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING REVIEW- TELE-TUBBIES: I personally LOVED the Tele-tubbies- they were so weird and British, like a Love And Rockets Bubblemen video. The problem with the Teletubbies is that it's too age specific. You're youngster won't care about these little guys after reaching 18 months. The cool, drug-infested psychodelia of the show falls to the wayside after your youngster starts wanting actual structure in her television- so it's good for a few formative months but they're not in it for the long run. This is no Davey and Goliath. Sad really...

Vampiro vs Rick Steiner accomplished nothing for anybody and this really is the shittiest major wrestling company on earth. With all the talent at these shitheads' disposal, this show should be the highlight of late nineties television. Instead, it's just another reason to tell US wresling to go straight to hell. It's ridiculous./ CHILDREN's PROGRAMMING REVIEW- P B AND J OTTER: The quiet killer of the Weekend Disney Playhouse Line-up- in that it's quite the cool show to follow the psychotically whimsical Rolie Polie Olie and put an end to the child's TV viewing day at 9:30, so they can get the hell away from the TV for the rest of the day. This show has my role model Flake the Duck ("If you need me, I'm eating pie."). The main characters- Peanut, Baby Butter and Jelly- do the Noodle Dance while thinking of way out of this weeks predicament- and the Noodle Dance Song is SOO a Wild Combo/ Josie Cotton/ Martha And the Muffins/ Holly and The Italians new wave knock-off that it will run through your head all week while you're in adult real-life situations. It's running through my head now. It freaks me out.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

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