WEEKLY EXCUSES: I thought the Tueday Nitro was gonna come on and I was gonna do it all at once so I waited until Wednesday night to watch all the tapes! Instead ANIMAL HOUSE came on TWICE! So cut-up that they could show it at EIGHT O'CLOCK!!! God, think about THAT! That stuffy old Dean! TWICE in a row!

A weird and pretty good Nitro in the Lucha-loving city of WICHITA, KANSAS?!?! THAT was fricking GREAT! Maybe I'll move there one day. On a related note, did Hawk kill himself on RAW and then they had Sable come out of "cut" a "promo" about two minutes later? I guess if it was someone important to wrestling (Bob Holly, Howard Finkel) they would have stopped the show and said, "Before we show you the boobies, we'd like to offer our condolenses to the family (Mr Fuji, Mo)..." Anyway.

Rey and Eddy try to match the swankness of the Juventud match and feel the heat of the impending Benoit spotting and blow some stuff trying too much early for the still-rusty Rey. But by the end they have countered any crappiness with the greatness that we have come to expect from these fellas. I usually hate a screwjob but the LWO is the LWO and if it takes a screwjob to get Rey to quit being an idiot and join the fucking LWO well- then so be it. The Juventud inclusion clouds the picture. What ARE these guys? Rudos? Technicos? Is Juventud latently LWO? Does WCW know yet? Could LaParka look ANY cooler?

Hey! It's Bobby Duncum Jr! I have eternally not had any opinion on his fifteen or so matches I've ever seen him in. He was in All Japan, which means absolutely NOTHING. Mitsuhara Misawa, Giant Kimala and Wolf Hawkfield are ALL in All Japan. It's like saying "He wrestles in WCW" as a value judgement. Good as Benoit? Good as Scotyy Riggs? Good as Meng? Anyway, he's a very competent to good worker by Japanese standards which means he's gonna be FRICKIN great by WCW heavyweight standards. This match wasn't a good gauge because Jericho dragged Stevie Frickin RAY to a watchable match a few weeks ago, so the fact that Duncum is very competent gives Jericho even more lee-way to make the match good. Duncum did wrestle within himself and hit some nice things- his nice lariats and that dropkick- and worked pretty stiff so I was into this.

Saturn and Konnan wrestled quite the agreeable little match with Saturn doing EVERYTHING to try to drag something out of the Man-In-The-Iron-Lung who was blown up before he even got to the "Wolfpaq is for life" shtickt. MORE ON THIS LATER! NOT IN THIS COLUMN! NOPE! Hawk is dead. BOOBIES!

Glacier and Mortis had a really good match on PPV once so this being good wasn't a surprise. Glacier is so NOT as annoying as Ernest Miller and they did some truly nifty stuff with the Solid Steel Steps. Once back in, it was a little rushed but it was enough to work after the horror of how it all started out.

Ah, what the fuck. Malenko and Arn Anderson were involved. That cancels Stevie Ray and Mongo- RIGHT?? Horace didn't fuck up any of the mat stuff Malenko stuck in there for laughs. Welcome to the worst thing that has ever worked here on the good side.

Bigelow looked like he was over like a mofo as they brought him in as hot as I've ever seen a guy brought into WCW as he interrupted the ONLY match involving Chavo Jr that wouldn't enrage me. The NJ/UFO pull-apart was great in that Ali-Frazier type of way but was shaved by the cretinous Bischoffization of the set-up and execution of the non-match later in the night. I mean, when you got something as hot as that moment- which is gonna die REAL soon if Bam-Bam looks like he's looked lately in the ring- you don't switch the focus to your stupid ass there outside firing everyone's favorite old fart- the chatty J J Dillon.

Benoit and Bret CONTINUE to preview the best feud in North America EVER which will start when Benoit fixes his little problems and lights this candle. Benoit and Bret beat the shit out of each Stampede-style, except there was no Carracci Vice or Biff Wellington or anything. Benoit is fucking amazing and he adds the double snot-rocket spot to his vast arsenal of brawling tricks and innate Guy-In-His-Underwear wrestling GREATNESS. Bret Hart is FUCKING GREAT. He takes an MAN-SIZED ass-kicking and then doles out a MAN-SIZED ass-kicking and takes another MAN-SIZED ass-kicking before going all Bill Watts Heel on your collective ass. Benoit looked fucking great- looking as intense as he ever has. I have missed the hell out of Benoit and I wanna see THIS feud FOREVER. MORE LATER! NOT IN THIS COLUMN! NOPE!

Giant Baba's the new head of hiring at WCW now? Two Big Texans debut in one night. Can Brian Dyett and Richard Slinger be far behind? Duncum is totally fine with me. Barry Windham is gonna have to work his way out of permanent residence on this side of the board though, Hoss.

God. Konnan and Saturn's brawl was truly suck-ass. It was all kinds of like that Norton vs Shark brawls-to-the-back during the halcyon days of Nitro in 96. The coolness of the LWO was blown as they tried to figure out what they could possibly do to help this clusterfuck. ANSWER: run to the back and distance yourself from the suck that is Konan.

JIMINY CHRISTMAS! Will SOMEBODY go beat the shit out of whoever in the WCW braintrust decided that this Sonny Ono angle was anything less than TOTAL SHIT? At least there is a hope that Kaz will crawl from the wreckage of this angle and eventually win the Cruiserweight belt at some point and get on with his life as a great fucking Cruiserweight. MEANWHILE, Fellow King of KDX- Dick Togo- now gets to somehow lose to Duane Gill to not win the WWF Lightheavyweight Western Heritage World Title. Ono needs to go back to selling used cars and Miller needs go back to telling Johnny to sweep the leg.

That Hogan and PseudoLewinsky segment was SO lame. Could it POSSIBLY get any crappier than that? I wonder if anybody was still watching when they turned Hall face. I mean, I got it on tape so that's how I know. If you turn face in the woods and nobody sees it are you still a heel?

Judy Bagwell is sent to the hospital after an off-camera assault from Steiner. Gee? You think it's a set-up for a big heel turn from Buff's mom? Look into the night sky. Look past the moon, the Big Dipper and the Belt of Orion. IMAGINE the VASTNESS of space. Now imagine the farthest star you can imagine and think of what lies past it in the next galaxy. THAT'S about how far past caring I am. WOO-HOO! Scott Steiner is on the GAS! He's Roided to the gills!

Wrath Meltdowns TWO GUYS! WOW! HE rules! He's the best! Maybe Sycho Sid will come back and they can have a return match from the Clash of Champions! WrathStalker vs Sycho Sid JusticeEudyViciousHumungous! AWRIGHT! I'm STOKED! Hawk is dead. BOOBIES!

THERE YOU HAVE IT!

DEAN!

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